A conversation I want to have but probably never will

Published February 14, 2015 by recover3

I keep building up all these things I want to say to my husband but I don’t know when we’re ever going to talk about them or if they’ll ever make a difference. Some of these things I’ve said before but although he’s agreed, its never become a long term thing.
I’m embarrassed to tell people all that I’ve put up with and what we’ve been through. I used to think I was strong but I know I’d be telling my friend to get out of this relationship so obviously I’m just weak because I’m still here….
So here it goes.

I don’t want my children to ever treat anyone the way you treat me. I also don’t ever want them to be treated the way you treat me. I don’t want them to grow up thinking what our (current) relationship is like is what is considered normal. I also don’t want them to ever develop a low opinion of me because of all the shit I’ve put up with. Right now, these are the only two things that are going to happen.
You had an affair, you had inappropriate Internet conversations with other women, you sent and received naked pictures with an ex, you got emotionally involved with another woman, you flirt with other women. And all this I’ve forgiven. Yes, I HAVE forgiven it. But forgiving you doesn’t mean you now have a free pass and all is forgotten and never causes any problems. You need to do the work to earn my trust back, and no, you haven’t done what is required. You refuse to put any boundaries in place to protect yourself from anything happening again. You deliberately keep things to yourself instead of just being open in the first place. And then you make me the bad guy when I question things so I can get all the facts. Its a lot easier to build trust if I know you are giving me all the information in the first place. I may not like everything you do (like going alone to the movies with your so-called Chinese teacher) but at least I would know I have nothing to worry about because you were upfront about it. Telling me ‘you’re meeting a friend for drinks’ doesn’t work. What friend? Why can’t you just be honest? And don’t say its because you know I’ll get upset. I have a right to get upset – you lie to me or tell me half truths ALL THE TIME. I’m trying to keep our marriage together but you just keep knocking holes in it.
I don’t ever want you to tell me I’m selfish or self-absorbed again. I am not perfect but these are two characteristics that are just blatantly untrue about me. I have given up so much and just about everything I do is for someone else. Don’t tell me I feel this way because it ‘seems’ like I’m doing everything for A. I AM doing everything for her. Its not an illusion, its a fact. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble but you really don’t do that much for me or for us. You come by once, maybe twice a week. You hang out with her and entertain her somewhat. Occasionally you take her out and give me some free time, but this is rare. Yes, you’ve gone to pick up or buy a few things for me, but not a whole lot. You’ve let me down as many times if not more times. I’ve had to cancel plans, arrived late or had to leave early because of you letting me down.
Don’t tell me you don’t drink or do drugs any more. The only person that you are conning is yourself. Smoking weed and taking crystal meth (even if it was just once) is doing drugs. Missing the high risk consultant appointment because you were too hungover to get up is drinking. Meeting ‘a friend’ for drinks is drinking. Going out and consuming alcohol is drinking. Contrary to what you keep saying you do go out a lot and you are drinking a fair amount. You’ve drunk more in the past three months than you have in the past two years. At least be honest about it.
In one conversation you told me I haven’t changed at all and that I’ve completely changed. Make up your mind, which is it? I’ll make it easy and answer for you. Yes, I have changed. I’ve changed in two ways. One is not so good. I’m angrier and unhappier than when we first met. And this change is a direct result of the way in which you have treated me and the things you have done to me. I always avoid answering this when you ask me but the answer is yes, it is your fault. You treat me like a piece of trash, like I’m disposable and unimportant. I guess I am to you. The other way I have changed is I have grown up. I have accepted the responsibilities of being a parent and an adult. I’ve accepted that life is different now and that certain things just don’t happen any more. And I’m ok with that! I love being a mom. I’d rather wake up early and play with my daughter than stay out drinking til all hours of the morning. I don’t feel like making that choice means I’m not living life or missing out on anything.
You’ve said I don’t inspire you. What does that mean? What did I used to do to inspire you or have I never inspired you? Why don’t you tell me what you’re looking for, give me some guidance. You want to be able to do what you want, when you want with the girl who wants to do it with you…. Lets be honest, I don’t want to go out drinking. I don’t want to do drugs. I want to do family things and I want you to do them with me. Yes, I want to spend time with you, find a joint hobby to explore together, but you’re really definite about what you will and won’t do.
Stop twisting things in your mind to suit yourself. Telling me I could have a great body but I’m too f***ing lazy to do anything about it? I accept that I’m not the most enthusiastic person when it comes to exercise but saying I’m lazy is not fair. Why don’t you go back and thing about it all again as it really was. Like when I started walking every morning with A to try lose some weight. What did you say? ‘You’ll never lose weight just by walking’. No encouragement or anything for at least trying. And I did lose weight. Or how about when I started getting up at 5am to exercise? A decided to start waking up then. But you never offered to take her so I could carry on exercising. No, I had deal with her instead. Or when I tried to find a time to go to gym but it meant you’d have to go later. You got angry, telling me you had a schedule to follow and it was unreasonable of me to expect you to change it. When exactly did you expect me to do this exercise? Its not like I didn’t try.
During this time apart you’ve said you want me to find myself. To find out what I want in life, what interests me and all that jazz. But I have to ask the question again, when exactly did you expect me to do this? The few times I’ve made plans to do something I’ve either had to cancel or leave early because you didn’t come to babysit. I work all day and the ayi leaves when I get home from work. I need to cook dinner, spend time with A, get her bathed and put her to bed. I’m pregnant too, in case you somehow forgot. So by the time that’s all finished. I’m exhausted. On the weekend I’m all alone with A. No help. She doesn’t deserve to be ignored or sat in front of the TV so I can find myself. So with all that, I have no idea how or when I’m going to find myself. And in a couple of months I’ll have a newborn to deal with too. I guess what I’m saying is, as things stand, if you’re waiting for me to find myself, change appropriately so I can inspire you before you want to continue being married to me, you may as well give up now.

I guess that’s all of it for now.

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