Its hard for me to admit that I miss him. I miss the company, the companionship, the support, the conversation. I miss being able to easily share the arbitrary triumphs of the day because when I text him its not the same. Somehow it seems lame and often, I don’t get a reply for ages and by then I feel silly. I miss the safeness I felt in having him in my life.
My marriage was far from perfect. We had so many issues. But it doesn’t mean there are no good memories. I know that he can be a good man. I know he is capable of so much. I want my family back together. I don’t want to admit I was wrong and that I made a mistake. I don’t want to say its over. I keep writing this but I don’t want to share my kids or watch him find a new love. I want to be enough. I’m just not so sure I ever will be. I feel like he is forever going to search for something else.
There is a part of me that just wants to call it quits and walk away. But then I really think about what that is going to look like and it terrifies me. Not least of all because we live in a foreign country. One in which I don’t want to stay in forever. On the same note I also try to picture what its going to look like if he moves back in. I can’t see how that is going to work either.
I’m scared of what is going to happen either way. But I have to accept that this limbo can’t go on forever. I might be able to say for now I’m focusing on my daughter and on the new baby. And then what? I know I don’t want to carry on life living apart from my husband while he lives a life completely separate from us. One in which I don’t even know what he is doing. One part says of course he is being faithful and true. The other just tells me I’m being naive. I thought that last time we separated, meanwhile he was just saying what I wanted to hear to keep the peace. All the while, carrying on with others. I want to believe he’s changed but I have nothing but his empty words to back that up.