The start of some soul searching

Published January 26, 2015 by recover3

When I started high school I had some serious self-confidence issues. I had a bad body image and I was pretty shy. But despite this I was happy, made friends and look back on high school fondly. The body image issues have never gone away but it didn’t stop me wanting to look good when we went out partying or anything like that. I had enough guys interested in me that I obviously wasn’t hideous. I was quietly confident in myself. I knew I didn’t need a man to complete my life and I never had an issue moving on from a failed relationship. Until I met my husband. I’ve questioned myself so many times about what happened to me. Is there something wrong with me that I keep holding on? That I put up with stuff that I know I shouldn’t? That I can’t seem to let go and move on?
I am a good person. I’m by no means perfect but I’m caring, loving, compassionate, unselfish, honest, loyal, dependable, reliable…
I’m trying to take this time to do some serious soul-searching. To discover the person I used to be and the person I want to be in future. I’m building on my list of things I want from my marriage:

Unconditional love: I want to be loved for WHO I am not what I look like, what I wear or what I’m interested in. I want to be accepted for all the good parts AND the bad parts. I don’t want to be told I need to dress in a certain way or wear make up all the time or have a long list of interests.

Respect: I want to be treated well. I want my opinions to matter. I want to be heard.

Honesty: Not nastiness. Not bluntness. Just real live honesty.

Openness: Linked to honesty. I want the full story, at once. Not bare facts with the important stuff hidden so I have to ask 20 questions and then end up sounding like an insecure nag.

Trust: honesty and openness leads to trust. I want it to come back. I want boundaries to be put in place so things like the past don’t happen again.

Interest in each other: I want to take the time to show an interest in the things that interest my husband I want him to do the same for me.

Loyalty: This doesn’t even need to be explained. I want it.

I want my love tank to be full. So I’m confident and happy. So I feel appreciated and wanted. I want to do the same for my husband. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want him to be the first person that I tell things too. I want to be excited about life again instead of just taking it one day at a time and hoping that I can get through it without another bomb being dropped on me.

I want to laugh everyday.


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