The night of our argument that set in motion the current state of affairs started out as a normal night. We were getting along fine and there wasn’t even any underlying tension. It all changed in an instant. So many things were said and done but my focus has always been on this part:
Him: ‘I don’t want to listen to what to have to say because you always talk shit’
Me: ‘do you really mean that’
Me: ‘well then I’m done’.
In that moment I really was done. But it doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted my marriage to end. I certainly didn’t intend for things to be over. What I was done with was being spoken to like that. With no respect, like I’m a piece of trash. I’ve thought really hard about why I said and in my heart I know I was looking for a reaction. But not just any reaction. I wanted shock him. I wanted him to stop and think ‘I don’t want to lose her’. I wanted him to fight FOR me not WITH me. I wanted him to care enough to stop what he was doing, focus on his behaviour and want, REALLY want, to stop it. But he didn’t. Instead he used it as an excuse to get out.
I don’t think he’s every truly fought for me or our relationship. Yes, last time he realised when I was making plans to go back home that he didn’t want to lose me, but that wasn’t really a fight for me. Then after he came clean about the affair he promised all sorts of things and told me he didn’t want to lose me but that was kind of short lived too. Within a month he was fighting against most of the things he’d agreed to. He never established boundaries, he never let go and opened up. He never gave in to complete openness and honesty.
I want to be fought for. I want to be worth it. I want to be enough.