My husband is actually round visiting us. I thought it was going to be a whirlwind in and out trip because that is how its been the last few times sadly. But he stuck around and ended up having dinner with us. And then he bathed our daughter and is now busy putting her bed. It is giving me some very rare time off and I feel a little lost. On one hand I feel like I should be flying around cramming in all the things I never get the chance to do and on the other I just want to sit on the couch and veg out because I don’t really get to do that either. In the end I’m here – my posting time is usually pretty sparse so here it is.
I spoke to my friend yesterday. She is the one who was there for me and supported me when d-day happened in 2011. She is one of my few friends who knows exactly what I’ve been through and has the full story. Nowadays I’ve very selective on who I tell what. She asked me how everything is going between husband and I and although I hadn’t intended to share everything just came tumbling out. I told her I still love him. That I don’t want my marriage to fail. I also told her that right now he’s unreliable and seems to have just reverted back to the way he was – out drinking, spending money on unnecessary things and not following through with things. I told her that as desperately as I want us to work things out, things have to change. We can’t carry on the way they were. We weren’t being good to each other and that is never going to work in the long term. While I was talking to her he messaged me to say he loves me. Then he asked me if I could wait for him til June to move back. I wasn’t even sure how to answer that. I’m so scared of being alone with a 2 year old and a newborn. I don’t want either of my kids to suffer just because I’m alone.
I’m tired of the decisions I have to make. I’m tired of the stress that keeps creeping up. I want some freedom. A week off from worry.