When I started high school I had some serious self-confidence issues. I had a bad body image and I was pretty shy. But despite this I was happy, made friends and look back on high school fondly. The body image issues have never gone away but it didn’t stop me wanting to look good when we went out partying or anything like that. I had enough guys interested in me that I obviously wasn’t hideous. I was quietly confident in myself. I knew I didn’t need a man to complete my life and I never had an issue moving on from a failed relationship. Until I met my husband. I’ve questioned myself so many times about what happened to me. Is there something wrong with me that I keep holding on? That I put up with stuff that I know I shouldn’t? That I can’t seem to let go and move on?
I am a good person. I’m by no means perfect but I’m caring, loving, compassionate, unselfish, honest, loyal, dependable, reliable…
I’m trying to take this time to do some serious soul-searching. To discover the person I used to be and the person I want to be in future. I’m building on my list of things I want from my marriage:
Unconditional love: I want to be loved for WHO I am not what I look like, what I wear or what I’m interested in. I want to be accepted for all the good parts AND the bad parts. I don’t want to be told I need to dress in a certain way or wear make up all the time or have a long list of interests.
Respect: I want to be treated well. I want my opinions to matter. I want to be heard.
Honesty: Not nastiness. Not bluntness. Just real live honesty.
Openness: Linked to honesty. I want the full story, at once. Not bare facts with the important stuff hidden so I have to ask 20 questions and then end up sounding like an insecure nag.
Trust: honesty and openness leads to trust. I want it to come back. I want boundaries to be put in place so things like the past don’t happen again.
Interest in each other: I want to take the time to show an interest in the things that interest my husband I want him to do the same for me.
Loyalty: This doesn’t even need to be explained. I want it.
I want my love tank to be full. So I’m confident and happy. So I feel appreciated and wanted. I want to do the same for my husband. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want him to be the first person that I tell things too. I want to be excited about life again instead of just taking it one day at a time and hoping that I can get through it without another bomb being dropped on me.
I want to laugh everyday.
The hardest thing of being separated is the feeling of loneliness. Its been over two months now so I am mostly used to it. But some nights, like tonight, I really want some company. A chat or something would be nice.
I don’t want to admit these feelings to my husband. It makes me feel like a sad creature. I’m jealous of all the new friends and the life he has now. When all I have is work and listening to the stories of what my colleagues got up to over the weekend.
I wouldn’t give up having my daughter with me for a second. She is my world. I guess sometimes its just a little hard realising my limitations. The best advice I was given is instead of focusing on all the things you’re missing out on replace it with ‘I get to…’
I get to enjoy an excited greeting when I come home from work
I get to have all the kisses and loves I can handle
I get to hear all the new words
I get to see all the accomplishments as they happen
I get to watch her sleeping
I get to teach her new things
I get to be her rock, her constant.
The night of our argument that set in motion the current state of affairs started out as a normal night. We were getting along fine and there wasn’t even any underlying tension. It all changed in an instant. So many things were said and done but my focus has always been on this part:
Him: ‘I don’t want to listen to what to have to say because you always talk shit’
Me: ‘do you really mean that’
Me: ‘well then I’m done’.
In that moment I really was done. But it doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted my marriage to end. I certainly didn’t intend for things to be over. What I was done with was being spoken to like that. With no respect, like I’m a piece of trash. I’ve thought really hard about why I said and in my heart I know I was looking for a reaction. But not just any reaction. I wanted shock him. I wanted him to stop and think ‘I don’t want to lose her’. I wanted him to fight FOR me not WITH me. I wanted him to care enough to stop what he was doing, focus on his behaviour and want, REALLY want, to stop it. But he didn’t. Instead he used it as an excuse to get out.
I don’t think he’s every truly fought for me or our relationship. Yes, last time he realised when I was making plans to go back home that he didn’t want to lose me, but that wasn’t really a fight for me. Then after he came clean about the affair he promised all sorts of things and told me he didn’t want to lose me but that was kind of short lived too. Within a month he was fighting against most of the things he’d agreed to. He never established boundaries, he never let go and opened up. He never gave in to complete openness and honesty.
I want to be fought for. I want to be worth it. I want to be enough.
My husband is actually round visiting us. I thought it was going to be a whirlwind in and out trip because that is how its been the last few times sadly. But he stuck around and ended up having dinner with us. And then he bathed our daughter and is now busy putting her bed. It is giving me some very rare time off and I feel a little lost. On one hand I feel like I should be flying around cramming in all the things I never get the chance to do and on the other I just want to sit on the couch and veg out because I don’t really get to do that either. In the end I’m here – my posting time is usually pretty sparse so here it is.
I spoke to my friend yesterday. She is the one who was there for me and supported me when d-day happened in 2011. She is one of my few friends who knows exactly what I’ve been through and has the full story. Nowadays I’ve very selective on who I tell what. She asked me how everything is going between husband and I and although I hadn’t intended to share everything just came tumbling out. I told her I still love him. That I don’t want my marriage to fail. I also told her that right now he’s unreliable and seems to have just reverted back to the way he was – out drinking, spending money on unnecessary things and not following through with things. I told her that as desperately as I want us to work things out, things have to change. We can’t carry on the way they were. We weren’t being good to each other and that is never going to work in the long term. While I was talking to her he messaged me to say he loves me. Then he asked me if I could wait for him til June to move back. I wasn’t even sure how to answer that. I’m so scared of being alone with a 2 year old and a newborn. I don’t want either of my kids to suffer just because I’m alone.
I’m tired of the decisions I have to make. I’m tired of the stress that keeps creeping up. I want some freedom. A week off from worry.
I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that I don’t want my marriage to end. I don’t want to end up as a statistic. I don’t want to share my kids, watch my husband build a new life, meet someone new, be happy without me. But I also know that I definitely don’t want to continue with the way things were. I want a real marriage. A fulfilled one. I can see that this is at topic I am going to have to come back to – probably quite often. For now I’m going to think about my words. What do I want…
I have so many things going on in my head and so many things that I want to post about. I’m not sure where to start and I also find that they will take so much explaining! By the time I get darling daughter to sleep (another fun issue that popped up once this separation took place) I am exhausted and ready for bed myself!
For now I thought I’d pick my latest reading material. I am just about to finish The five love languages. I’m familiar with the test and a short version of each of the five languages but I’ve never gone into anything in depth about them. Its been a good read. I actually want to go back through it and make notes. I have found so many useful tips and suggestions. I feel like they could make a huge difference. I’m also listening to the audio book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Now this guy knows his shit. I’m only on chapter 3 and I have to be honest I actually stopped listening to it for a while because I’m stuck in limbo about what I actually want anymore. But from what I’ve heard so far, it pointed out glaring mistakes we were making and I was just starting on some of the suggestions made there. I think I’m going to get back into listening to it.
I may not be 100% sure about what I want or what the right decision is to make for the future but I do know that I want to find out how I can be a better wife – even if I never get to be a wife again.
I’m scared about what the future hold for me. I’m scared of what happens if I hold on or even decide to continue with the marriage (if that becomes an option). I’m scared of what happens if I decide to leave and end it for good. Its just all too overwhelming…