My husband is inherently selfish. He has always been his number one priority and I think he always will be. This not to say he never puts me first or that he never considers me but when it comes down to it, he will always, ultimately do what HE wants. And this makes him selfish and me sad.
I really want my marriage to work. Even more now because I don’t want my daughter to grow up in a broken home. I’ve seen what its done to my husband and I don’t want that for her. I’ve worked so hard and put up with so much to make it work. Last night though, reality hit me that it just may not work out and if it doesn’t its because of his selfishness.
The evening wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Or at least we didn’t go to bed in a stony silence. But there was one incident that took place. We went out for dinner and we actually did talk a bit. I spoke about what was on my mind with regards to my job. He told me he has hit a downer. I’m sad for him that it has happened and really hope that it doesn’t last too long. I wish I could do something. Anyway, I digress. My husband hates his job – because its boring. He brought up the idea of him leaving his job and getting some part time teaching jobs and looking after our daughter while I was at work. I told him I didn’t think that was a good idea. I then asked him if he remembered me asking if I could stay off work til after the summer holidays or only going back part time til after the summer holidays. He said no to both. He told me that he’d gone back to work so that we had more money and he wasn’t going back to what it was like when only I was working. So I left it at the time. I think its unfair that he wouldn’t let me stay home or go part time but now he thinks its fine for him. I brought this up and he said that at the time it was about his daughter and now it was about him. Um, hello, how has things with her changed????? He then went on to tell me that if he wanted to leave work he would and there was nothing I could do about it. So I told him that was really unfair for him to make a decision like that without me being involved. He said yes it is unfair but that’s the way it is. He then said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I left it because I didn’t want a fight. But I was horrified. To think he would make a decision like that – one that would affect all of us, without consulting me is just unspeakable. All I could think was, how could I stay married to him if he’s going to make unilateral decisions like that. It would just be the final nail in the ‘its all about me’ coffin.
I hope he doesn’t do it. I hope he doesn’t mean it. I hope its just the depression talking.
I love my husband and I want to be with him. I want us to be a family.