I’m struggling to keep writing here. Not because I don’t want to but because either I’m really occupied with the daughter or when reflect on what I want to write, I keep thinking of the judgement that is going to be laid down on it. I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks – its my life and I’m the only one who has to actually live it. If I want to keep banging my head against a brick wall then that is my issue, and no-one else’s.
I wonder to myself what I would think if I read about my situation as an outsider and not the person going through it. I would feel sorry for the woman writing. I would also wonder why she was being such a dumbass. But sadly it rings true when they say that you can’t completely understand a situation until you’ve been in it.
My husband and I are in a serious funk. Its like we started digging this giant hole and jumped in without thinking. Every night that we’ve gone to bed, one or both of us has been in a stony silence. Disappointment or anger hanging in the air of our bedroom, threatening to explode at any moment. Last night it was because he’d decided to invite his ex-fiance back on facebook. I was incredibly upset about this. To the point that I wanted to tell him either she goes or I do. But I’m gutless, I lost my strength and ability to stand up for myself somewhere along the way. Instead I settled for telling him I was upset. His defence (because there always is one) was he just wanted to know what she was up to. WHO CARES!!!! She is part of the PAST, I am part of the future. And after all the fights, tears and discussions that led to her being eliminated before, why would it now be ok to have her back? When did something change? The night before it was because he was deliberately pushing my buttons about religion and told me I was overreacting. He knows that is a sensitive subject between us – its hard enough for us to just have a civil conversation about religion. But to then go and deliberately get me riled up is just not fair. He knows me well enough to know that would be my reaction, but when it happens, he acts all surprised. I can’t even remember what the other fights have been. He’d be shocked to hear me say that because according to him I remember EVERYTHING!. I don’t actually. I have a good memory and I’m a good listener. I don’t live for myself, I live for others. So yes, I do remember important things, things that affect me, things that have hurt me, brought me joy and all that. I remember what people have shared with me and when I’ve hurt them. Isn’t that just normal though?
I want tonight to be different. But in the back of my mind I’m already thinking that it won’t be. So that’s me sabotaging it. He’ll come home, I’ll be silent, he’ll react. Boom – fight. The other day his reaction was ‘same shit, different day.’ All I wanted to scream at him was yes you’re absolutely right. You cause shit and do what you want and then think you have the right to get angry at me when I react to your shit. Please don’t get the impression that I think I’m blameless. I am well aware of the fact that I fall way, way, way short of the perfect line. But I am also aware of the fact that more than half our issues would be eliminated if he just stopped with all that crap. Stopped making excuses and defending behaviour that is not part of being a good husband. Because when he’s not doing that shit, he is more than a good husband. He’s a great one.
That is what makes me sad. He’s a great husband, who has made some really stupid mistakes.