Hate and the OW

Published January 31, 2013 by recover3

I hate the OW. I want to feel nothing for her because she means nothing to me. She shouldn’t matter and therefore I shouldn’t feel anything. But if I dig down deep and am truly honest, I hate her. I hate her because she pursued my husband – both before and after we were married. (footnote: no I do not hold her entirely to blame for the affair. I am not that ignorant or stupid. I’m just talking about her role in it all). I hate her because she had no shame in going after someone else’s man and carrying on with  him. I hate her because of what she took away from me – my dignity, my memories and the sanctity of my marriage. I hate her because she shared something with my husband that I never got to. And I hate her because she has a place in my husbands life that I can never have – the last person on his list of lovers. I know this might seem ridiculous to some but it bothers it a lot. I’m not proud to admit it anymore but neither of us were virgins when we met. So each of us entered the relationship with a list. He has last place on my list but, because of her, I don’t get that honour on his. 

I’ve been dwelling on the day I confronted her. At this time I didn’t actually know they’d been having sex. I knew something inappropriate had been going on but I didn’t know what. My husband vehemently denied that anything had happened between the two of them. We were due to leave for China in a couple of weeks when this incident occurred so stupidly I chose to ‘believe’ him. Confronting her was not my finest moment and I cringe whenever I think about it. No, that’s not true. I wish I’d hit her. I stormed into the video store where she worked and shouted. She was serving a customer and quietly asked me to wait a moment. I paused, then thought ‘fuck you’ and went off again. I asked her who the hell she thought she was having an affair with a married man. (how ironic, I didn’t know what had happened but there I was accusing her of doing the very thing that she did do). Do you know what her reaction was? She shrugged her shoulders. That gets to me the most. She just didn’t care, she didn’t regret it. This I already knew from the email she sent him. But to this day it bothers me. How could someone who was barely 20  have such a blatant disregard for marriage vows, and for other peoples feelings. I can’t remember exactly what I said after that but I do know I called her a whore and stormed out of there. 

My husband told me that when he ended it with her she asked if he regretted it. He told me that it sounded stupid but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. This bothers me for two reasons. One because I’m supposedly the person he loves most in the world and wants to spend his life with and yet he caused all this hurt in my life. And there he was not wanting to hurt her feelings?! The second reason is because I want her to know that she is the biggest regret in his life. That she was (and is) the worst mistake he’s ever made. The problem here is, I don’t really believe my husband regrets their relationship. I’m sure he feels bad (and maybe even regrets) hurting me. But the actual relationship, no I can’t believe he regrets that. He’s openly told me that he found her attractive, that he was attracted to her. He shared things with her that he refused to share with me. He’s often told me ‘she’s not like you’. He told me the affair was exciting. He had a friendship with her, had interests in common with her. He got in touch with her when he left me. All of these things tell me that he enjoyed their relationship. So how can he regret it?

I came to a realization recently. If all the other ‘little’ things hadn’t occurred between Dday and now, I would trust my husband again. This I can say with confidence. I know it to be true. I start to think to myself, I trust him, I’m not bothered by him going out on his own, etc. And then I think BUT… There was the girl at the train station whose number he took and who he called behind my back. It was platonic but he hid it from me. Then the fact that another pain in the ass from our past got in touch with him. He told me about the first message. Then neglected to tell me they stayed in contact, right to the point of him inviting her on whatsapp. And of course the big one – the girl from Hong Kong. He hid it from me and kept in contact with her. He tells me nothing happened between them. He says they got on and wanted to keep in touch. I’m still not sure if I believe him. You see, I’ve believed enough of crap and come out looking like a fool. Its hard to believe him now. 

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4 comments on “Hate and the OW

  • I can’t speak from the place of an affair, but I can speak to the trust issues. My husband constantly taking pills and lying to me about it and over and over letting me down and making me look like a fool, I understand. I am sorry the person you love the most has hurt you so deeply. I fully understand that pain.

  • IT takes time to “regret it.” For me, it took about 6 months. I’m not proud of that fact, and I don’t know how far out you two are from this moment you are posting about, but please give him time. He just can’t possibly understand the full scope of what he has put you through yet. There’s this STUPID FOG that suspends time (like drugs) and it takes a while to get OFF of the ride.

    However, I don’t know him, I just know what happened to me. There seems to be a lot more going on behind his compulsion to be in contact with other women that doesn’t add up to me. Unless he’s a salesman looking for business, why is he interacting with so many other women?

    • Its been 3 and a half years since the affair started (it lasted about four months) and a year and a half since D-day. This post was more brought on by the saying ‘never regret anything you’ve done because at one point its exactly what you wanted’ than by my husband. I guess I’m having a hard time believing that anyone who has cheated actually regrets the relationship as opposed to regretting the hurt they caused. So I really appreciate you sharing your point of view. It gives me a bit more perspective and maybe I am being a bit harsh on him.

      As for the other women, my husband suffers from depression and severe self esteem issues. In the past the other women have made him feel good about himself. This is not an excuse, its just a fact. More recently the women have just been friendship. His problem is he can’t see why its inappropriate for him to have these friendships – especially given everything that has happened. I do know that since the Hong Kong situation there has been no more inappropriate behaviour. So four months and counting…. Its not much but its a start.

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