When you do a course through affair recovery they send out questionnaire at the beginning and the end of the course. Its the same questionnaire. The point is to see how you’ve changed and all that during the course. To help them improve their offerings, to show you how you’ve grown. The toughest question for me was:
“if you knew then what you know now, would you still have married your spouse?”
Now, I think you’d be hard-pressed to find someone still in the discovery stage to answer yes to this question. But what happens when you’re past d-day and you’re well into your recovery. And things are going well. And you are having more happy days than sad.
I struggle with this question because why would any sane person put themselves through this pain if they could avoid it? Why would you choose to enter into a lifelong commitment with someone who isn’t going to honour you, be faithful to you, cherish only you? On the other hand, if you are going to answer no to this question then why are you fighting so hard for your marriage? Why are you still there?
I am a Christian so I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe in my vows and take them seriously. Divorce isn’t on the table. I believe those wiser than me who say that those you have divorce as an option, end up divorced. I also love my husband. That obviously counts. A lot.
When my husband left me last year I was devastated. I didn’t know about the affair then so it took first place in ‘the most painful thing I’ve been through’. I clung on to him and tried everything to get us back together and make our marriage work. But I reached a point when I knew I had done everything I could and it was time to step back and live my life. I was at peace with my decision and I knew I was going to be ok, without him. Yes, things changed soon after that and we are still together. But the point is, I knew I would be fine without him.
So, the question remains, would I still have married him?