Every day I get closer to my due date the more I am haunted by the memories of the past. They sneak up on me and in my hormonal, emotional state, it hits me like a ton of bricks. And sadly its not just the physical affair that is haunting. Its the memories of the photo’s he sent to his ex. Its memories of the inappropriate messages he was sending to the slut in America. Its the memories of when he walked out on me and all that happened during that time. Its the memories of all the small incidents that have come up between then and now that keep setting me back in my recovery. I try as hard as I can to push the thoughts away but I just can’t. Its making me sad and I’m starting to genuinely wonder if I’m ever going to move on. I know I’ll never forget but I’ve always thought I’d at least get to a place where I accepted that this was something that happened and move on.
My husband has been trying so hard recently. He’s gotten better at putting up with my mood swings, he doesn’t react to everything all the time. He talks about the baby, he shows an interest in things and he really cares. I appreciate everything he has been doing and how hard he has been trying. Sadly it hasn’t been all smooth sailing. There have been a couple of incidents that have left me deeply disappointed. And of course they involve alcohol. Alcohol is definitely the devil in our relationship. I wish I could brush off the disappointments. I know he doesn’t set out to do it. I know he’s only human and I don’t expect him to get everything right all the time. But I do wish for a break. And not just two weeks. I want a few months. I want to get to a safe place. I want to be able to believe the things he tells me and trust that he really means them.