Happily ever after…

Published November 15, 2012 by recover3

… does it exist in any way at all?

As the hot tears poured down my cheeks for the second time this week I couldn’t stop asking myself ‘why?’. What had happened to the strong person I thought I was? Have I lost her or did she never exist in the first place?

The closer I get to my due date the more I’m trying to clear my mind and find some inner calmness. But instead it seems like I’m just finding more turmoil. More things to worry about, more things to hold onto. It makes me sad.

The first night I cried was Sunday night. One bad thought just spilled into another and I fell asleep before they stopped. I woke up on Monday still feeling down. My husband wanted to know what was wrong but I just shrugged my shoulders. I know why I was sad, why I’d been crying. I just didn’t want to share it with him. I didn’t want to have the same conversation with him. I didn’t want him to know the things that were getting to me. I just didn’t want to bring him down with me. On Monday night he did a wonderful job of dispelling some of those things, despite not even knowing what they were. There was intimacy again. Closeness, love, compliments. On Tuesday something happened. The day started badly and seemed to go downhill from there. It ended with my feelings really hurt and me going to bed, in tears, without talking to my husband. Wednesday was a bit sketchy. Nothing bad but none of the closeness was left. Today we’re at Thursday. I’m not sure what Thursday is like, even thought its nearly over for me. It’s been a good day but there is still trepidation for what the weekend holds.

I’m busy watching the Vow. The mom makes this statement: ‘I chose to stay with him for all the things he’d done right instead of punishing him for the one thing he did wrong.’ Quite a profound statement. If only it was just one thing in my life.

I’ve never thought a baby is a solution to a problem and that is certainly not why we’re having one. But since we made the decision to start a family I really hope this baby draws us closer together and and doesn’t end up ripping us apart for good.

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7 comments on “Happily ever after…

    • You are so right about communication. In the end, for this occasion at least, I didn’t need to tell him what was bothering because his actions showed me that my fears were unfounded. And in this particular case, the actions said far more than his words ever could have.
      But, thank you for pushing me that I shouldn’t be keeping it to myself.

      • I guess it’s something I push myself to remember as I am trying to create a completely new relationship with my husband. It is working, and I know it will be worth it. I hope I didn’t come across like I am lecturing (sometimes it’s hard to know how text comes across)…I find I am usually just preaching to myself. You know your situation better than I could, and I just wanted to encourage you to continue to make good choices. It’s always worth it.

  • I agree you need to share what’s on your mind. Since I started sharing what’s wrong and not getting angry at my husband’s answers, he now draws me out. When something is on my mind I will wait 5 days and if it’s still on my mind I will ask. Last night he said something that triggered me and I was going to process and deal with it and if it still bothered me 5 days later bring it up but he already knew that he triggered me and encouraged me to talk. There’s a lot of stress in dealing with a newborn as well as joy. You can’t count on the baby to heal the marriage. Blessings!!

    • Thanks for the insight. I’m definitely not counting on the baby to heal our marriage – that would be really unrealistic and completely unfair on the baby too!
      I didn’t want to share with him because what was on my mind was the affair. I just had a moment of ‘my husband was that man’ and to be honest by Monday that thought was gone. My other issues were about my changing body and feeling unattractive and unwanted. But that evening he came to me while I was changing for bed and was rubbing my belly, telling me it was perfect and how much he loved touching it. One thing led to another and I realised that my fears and thoughts were unfounded. I didn’t need to share them with him because he showed me they weren’t right.

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