… does it exist in any way at all?
As the hot tears poured down my cheeks for the second time this week I couldn’t stop asking myself ‘why?’. What had happened to the strong person I thought I was? Have I lost her or did she never exist in the first place?
The closer I get to my due date the more I’m trying to clear my mind and find some inner calmness. But instead it seems like I’m just finding more turmoil. More things to worry about, more things to hold onto. It makes me sad.
The first night I cried was Sunday night. One bad thought just spilled into another and I fell asleep before they stopped. I woke up on Monday still feeling down. My husband wanted to know what was wrong but I just shrugged my shoulders. I know why I was sad, why I’d been crying. I just didn’t want to share it with him. I didn’t want to have the same conversation with him. I didn’t want him to know the things that were getting to me. I just didn’t want to bring him down with me. On Monday night he did a wonderful job of dispelling some of those things, despite not even knowing what they were. There was intimacy again. Closeness, love, compliments. On Tuesday something happened. The day started badly and seemed to go downhill from there. It ended with my feelings really hurt and me going to bed, in tears, without talking to my husband. Wednesday was a bit sketchy. Nothing bad but none of the closeness was left. Today we’re at Thursday. I’m not sure what Thursday is like, even thought its nearly over for me. It’s been a good day but there is still trepidation for what the weekend holds.
I’m busy watching the Vow. The mom makes this statement: ‘I chose to stay with him for all the things he’d done right instead of punishing him for the one thing he did wrong.’ Quite a profound statement. If only it was just one thing in my life.
I’ve never thought a baby is a solution to a problem and that is certainly not why we’re having one. But since we made the decision to start a family I really hope this baby draws us closer together and and doesn’t end up ripping us apart for good.