This is the third time in as many days that I’m sitting down to write an entry. One time I actually wrote, the other I just stared at the empty space. This time I’m trying the writing thing again. I have so many thoughts swirling round in my head that I don’t know where to start and I don’t know what I want to write about first.
I’m emotional at the moment. I’m angry and resentful and full of rage. I’m completely focused on all the bad. Things that have happened, things I imagine happening. Its like I’ve entered a black hole and lost my way out. Last night I went to bed feeling so angry. I tried to read my book to distract me but instead I cried. I cried remembering a conversation my husband and I had in a coffee shop a couple of years ago. Just before he left me. We were talking about honesty and openness in relationships and he had said that I would never know everything about him. This obviously upset me and I asked why. He told me he’d done something so terrible that he could never tell me. I tried to get it out of him but it just ended in an argument. My mind went mad thinking of what he could have been talking about. Today I know he was talking about the affair. That wasn’t even something that occurred to me at the time. Was I really so naive then? Today that’s always the first place my mind jumps to. So does that make me cynical?
I’m not sure where all the anger has suddenly sprung from. Hormones I suppose. The sad thing is that just a few days ago I was thinking how great things are. My husband and I haven’t had a rip roaring fight in a while now (touch wood). He’s actually been quite sensitive to my mood changes and instead of reacting back to me he’s backed off or given me a hug or something. He hasn’t been spending the weekends drinking and being nasty. He’s interested in the baby. I was finally feeling like it was all going to be ok. I was finally starting to feel safe. My comfort zone has been shaken now and I don’t like it.
Rick Reynolds posted yet another interesting article. It was in response to his one from last week. Lets just say last weeks didn’t go down well with those only recently past DDay. I was upset by it too but because it was true and I knew that. But what really struck me this week was this paragraph:
In the article I was not saying that self-deception ever justifies an affair. Becoming so self-centered that you fail to consider both your mate and the devastation of your choices reveals a total absence of love. It’s frightening when someone becomes so self-centered that they deceive themselves into thinking they are somehow justified in their self-exaltation while despising others. The person in that state of mind is dangerous and as long as they possess that mindset they are incapable of meaningful relationships or recovering from an affair. Self-centeredness is void of love and can only act in self-interest not in the interest of another. It lacks courage because it can’t think of anything but self-protection.
I don’t know if I’d say that fits my life today but it definitely fitted when we got married. Except that at the time I wasn’t aware of it. Or maybe I didn’t want to be aware of it. I suppose it all comes back to ‘I never thought my husband was capable of doing something that terrible and hurting me that badly.’
Lets hope something lights up so I can find my way out of this black hole. I don’t want to be in it anymore. My life is good now and I want to embrace that. Not focus on the things that I can’t change.