When I was 13 I told a racist joke to two of my black friends. It is still one of the most racist jokes I know (how I wish I could forget it!) and I have no idea what possessed me to tell it to them or how they actually stayed friends with me! To this day I cringe when I think about that moment and wish I could go back in time and change it.
This is just one of the many examples I could give of things I worry about. I was about things I can’t change, things that may or may not happen, things I think are going to happen and things I can’t even control. Basically I worry about almost everything – past, present and future. I’m not even entirely sure why I worry so much. Yes, there are times when my worrying has paid off and I’ve actually been able to benefit from worrying. But more often than not, I look back and wonder what exactly I was getting so worked up about. Last night is the perfect example. Next weekend there is a Halloween party. I don’t want to go. I have many reasons for not wanting to go: 32 weeks is pushing it to be hanging out at a bar, people smoke inside, I am getting really tired now and I can’t go out with my husband anymore when he drinks, its just too stressful and every time it kills me a little bit inside. Obviously, I didn’t want him to go without me either. I really don’t want to be selfish about it but for this particular event, I just really don’t want him to go. So I’ve spend the whole of this week worrying about it and getting myself all worked up. Trying to figure out what the right thing to say and do would be. Finally last night I got the courage to say something to him. I decided to say something as he was about to leave for gym so he had time to consider it and we could talk about when he got back. I made a plea of ‘please could we not go to the Halloween party next Saturday’. He looked at me confused and replied that he hadn’t been planning on going and anyway it wasn’t good for me to be standing in a smoke filled room. Of course I was momentarily silenced. Here I was gearing up for an argument and his reply was exactly what I wanted to hear. There was me stressing out the whole week and he hadn’t even spared a thought for the bloody event!
I’ve been worrying about a lot of other things this week too. I found out at the beginning of the week that our landlord is selling our apartment and we have move. This is after we’ve spend months making it a home and we’re more than half way through the baby’s room. Plus we probably won’t be able to move until I am almost due. Not cool! I still have another three weeks (or maybe even more) to wait to find out whether I’ll be offered the Economics post or not. Each week it seems to be slipping further from my grasp. The school wants me but external forces are putting requirements in place which leave me as option number 3. I have absolutely no control over this but I am still worrying about it. I also found out this week that we have to cover the apartment bills while I’m on maternity leave (usually the school covers them) so now I’m worrying about budgeting that in. We need to hire a nanny/maid. This is proving more difficult than originally anticipated. So now I’m worrying about that – both the hiring part and actually having a stranger in our house! I am also worrying about our anticipated trip home. By the end of this year it will be two years since we’ve been. We should be there now for my best friends wedding. But that was postponed because of the baby. Then it was going to be January but that was put on hold because now the baby is only due late December. Then February but now that’s on hold because my mother in law might get married in April. Is another whole year going to pass before we get there?????
I don’t mind the worrying so much. It what happens as a result of me worrying too much that bugs me. My mind starts to wonder to dark places and I think about the things I would rather just leave behind. Today I was washing the dishes and suddenly my mind shifted to the affair. Smack in the middle of my thoughts was ‘your husband actually betrayed you and slept with someone else’. I have no idea what actually triggered it but I couldn’t seem to escape it. It made me really sad. Sad because, for all his faults, when I look at him I just can’t picture a guy who would do that. It just doesn’t seem right. Sad because I know at times he’s trying and it feels like I’m doing him a disservice.
I appreciate that this week he’s spent a lot of time telling me not to worry about these things. Telling me not to let them get to me. I’m trying not to. But it matters to me that he is acknowledging that this is an issue in my life and he is aware of it. That he wants to help with it.