A few weeks ago the affair recovery website posted a blog entry on forgiveness. It was a fantastic article and quite a few of the bloggers that I follow reblogged it. For this reason I decided to skip following on. But Rick, the author, has continued with series on forgiveness and this weeks article also really struck me. So I thought I’d share this one and write about my feelings on it. His wife has contributed to this article so its really nice to see forgiveness from the perspective of betrayed and betrayer.
1. Hmmmm, I think I did this the wrong way round. I said I forgave. I prayed about it. But I’m still so angry. Does that mean I haven’t forgiven or I’m just not dealing with things as well as I’d like to be. As for don’t reconcile if your partner isn’t safe. Well…. He is still refusing to put solid boundaries in place. He’s still chatting to other girls. Yes I may know one of them and know she is a friend but is it really necessary for them to talk as often and as much as they do? And what about the other one who I don’t know?
2. See, here I am bitter and resentful. What did I do to hurt this badly? To feel so humiliated? Some days I truly want him to suffer as much as I have/am. I want him to feel the pain I do in the hope that it will change him. Even though I know it probably won’t.
3. I’m not doing to badly here. I am actually able to focus on the future and the present and good things a lot of the time. I would say more time is spent focusing on the good and not the bad. It took a long time for me to reach this point.
4. I like to think I’m a compassionate person. But I struggle here. There just been so many things that sometimes compassion is hard to find.
5. ‘life isn’t fair’. I hate that. I don’t feel like I deserve all of this and its hard to accept that its happened.
6. I am doing what I can in this area. I’m trying to focus on my baby. He or she is going to need all the love he/she can get.
7. I am self-righteous at times. Its hard not to be. But I am only human.
1. My husband is constantly defensive. He always wants to defend his actions instead of taking responsibility for them. He wants me to know my role in it all. (not the affair, he doesn’t in any way hold me responsible for that. Just other arguments)
2. I know he thinks he understands how he hurts me but I don’t believe he truly gets it. For one, he wouldn’t be doing a lot of the things he’s doing now if he did and for two he’d be living up to all of the promises he made most of the time if he did.
3. In the early days he showed appreciation. Now he doesn’t at all. In fact he spends a lot of time trying to convince me why I should tell him to go. He spends a lot of time imaging a life without me. Not to say I don’t sometimes think about that too but I never vocalise it because I know how much it hurts me to hear it.
4. What can I even say here…. I asked him to at least not to go clubs, he still does it. I asked him to stop communicating with that girl, he still does it. He goes out and comes home at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning despite the fact that he knows I don’t sleep properly til he is home. He is nasty and rude and horrible to me when drunk but he won’t cut down or stop drinking. He keeps stupid, unimportant pieces of information from me.
5. Like I’ve already mentioned, there are no boundaries in place. He is fighting going to see a therapist. He won’t forgive himself.
6. I agree. The idea of the two of them together kills. But all the lies is just soul destroying.
7. I’m not sure what to say about this. Conversations about what happened vary depending on his mood and how much he’s had to drink.
8. I can’t comment here. I don’t know if my husband forgives me for my flaws.
9. Patience…. nope its not there. We are only just beyond a year and he lost patience a long time ago. He wants me to be over it all and to trust him already. Even if he’d been doing all the above things it would be unrealistic to expect me to be past it all already.
I know, you’re reading this and thinking ‘why is she still with him then’. But something I have definitely learnt during this experience is that there is always more to a situation than meets the eye. And its always easier to give advice when you are on the outside. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe one day I’m going to wake up and ask myself ‘why the hell are you here wasting your time?’. But maybe one day it will really be ok. Until then I’m going to hang onto God and hang onto hope.