Last night, while I was brushing my teeth, I was struck by a memory from last year. It was from the time when my husband had left me and was pretending we weren’t even married anymore. It was before I knew about the affair and was still under the impression that all that it had been was an inappropriate friendship. My husband had set up a new facebook profile and I had just received a friend invite. I had a look at the profile and noticed two things – one that he had set it up a few days before and two that she was already a friend on it. I was very hurt. Hurt because he took his time inviting me on it, because he had invited her back first and because he had her on there at all. Stupidly, I confronted him about all this and he got angry. He screamed at me, in front of our colleagues and strangers, that he wasn’t my husband anymore and I needed to stop treating him like one. I don’t know what invoked that memory to come back but it stung as much last night as it did when he first said it. The memory has obviously been relived by me before but not for a long time. It makes me sad to know that it still hurts as much now.
Thinking about it now also brings up a host of other memories from that time. Things I haven’t thought about for a very long time. Its hard to process the things he said and did during that time. The way he treated me and how he led me on. Its hard not to compare what he said then and what he says now and wonder which version he really meant. I know logically if he meant all the things in the past he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t have asked me to give him another chance.
…. some of the things he says when he’s drunk are more similar to the old rather than the new. Like deep down he does regret having a moment of weakness and coming back to me. Like he would rather be free of me and this baby so he can do whatever he wants. If I had a super power it would definitely be mind reading. So I could truly know what he is still keeping from me, what he is thinking and feeling. And to have a real answer once and for all.