I haven’t been writing again. In fact its been quite a while since my last post. I don’t really have any real, valid excuses for not writing. One reason is because I suspected that my husband was still reading my blog. This was confirmed. It doesn’t make me angry or upset. Sometimes I think its good for him to read what I write because I can’t always say it to him but I want him to know. But it has also made me reluctant to write because I don’t feel I can be as honest as I want to be. Sometimes I write things when I’m fueled by emotion, things that I feel at that moment but I don’t actually mean. If I put it down in black and white and he reads it, I can’t ever take it back. That doubt will always be in his mind.
I also haven’t written because a lot has been going on and I’ve been trying to deal with it and process it. I didn’t want to immediately share it on here because I knew that the comments people would make would sway me and I needed to sort this out on my own. I still don’t have all the answers and I’m not sure when I will. I do know that I’m not going to rush it because these are going to life altering decisions.
The long and the short of it is that something bad and something good happened. Not bad as in another affair but bad as in he kept something from and that upset me. Good as in his mood is up again. And that is wonderful. It has been great. He is interested in me and sex and the baby! Life feels like its on the right track again. Still with some speed bumps but those I expect.
Now I just need to process my feelings on the bad incident. I need to ultimately decide what I’m prepared to lose and give. I need to establish if I am being a fool and compromising things I shouldn’t be. I need to remember who I am and how strong I am. I need to keep trusting and believing that God is in control, not me.