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All posts for the month October, 2012

I’ve lost my mojo

Published October 26, 2012 by recover3

On one hand its been a rough week. I had a terrible experience at the hospital on Tuesday which left me feeling very frustrated and quite terrified of having the baby here. Then I came home and spoke to my parents and found out my gran is very ill in hospital. My gran is old and has had a good life. It makes me sad though to know I haven’t seen her in almost two years and it makes me even more sad to think she may not even get to see her great-grandchild. I’ve always wanted to take this generation photo – of my gran, my mom, me and my child. To know its so close yet so far is just upsetting.

Despite these things going on I still have to say that mentally, I’ve been having a good week. Every night I’ve looked forward to my husband coming home and I’ve enjoyed his company when we’ve been together. We haven’t been fighting and he’s been so supportive and caring. Its been just what I’ve wanted and needed. But then last night I just lost my mojo. My spirits dropped and I can’t seem to find my happy place again. I think I can kind of pin point where it went and why. One part of it is because I was supposed to skype with my best friend yesterday. She’s getting married on Saturday and I was supposed to be her maid of honour. But with the pregnancy we ultimately decided it was too much of a risk for me to fly that far. We text often but we haven’t spoken in months and I was really looking forward to it. I sent her a message saying don’t forget about me and she said she wouldn’t but by 11pm I still hadn’t heard anything. I just couldn’t stay up any longer. I get that its a busy time but I really needed her to set that time aside for me. Maybe selfish but its how I felt. That got me down and so of course it led to other things getting me down.

My husband has a work function tonight. I in no way begrudge him this. I understand that these things come along and he has to go to them. That’s fine. But of course in my present mood it has me worrying about things that I can’t even control. I want him to go to his work function, mingle likes he meant to, have one or two drinks and then come home to me, at a reasonable hour. I don’t want him to just keep endlessly drinking. I don’t want him to get very very drunk. I don’t want him to go clubbing or bar hopping or KTV or whatever. I don’t want him to come home at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. I don’t want him to end up sleeping til the afternoon because he’s tired and hungover and then our plans to go away are cut short. And of course I know its unfair of me to assume that any of these things are going to happen. That he’s trying and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. And believe me, I want to. I don’t want to think these things or feel this way. But its been the pattern for so long now that its really hard to think otherwise. Last weekend was so good and it really helped me not to spend the whole of this week dreading the weekend again. I think I needed a few more of those good weekends before I could have an event like tonight taking place and not worry about it.

I hope my mojo comes back for the weekend. I want to go away and enjoy it. This will probably be the last one away. I need it to be a good one.

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Our thoughts

Published October 22, 2012 by recover3

You hear it so many times – your thoughts make you who you are. Control your thoughts, don’t let them control you. And many more than that. But its really easy to read these quotes, putting them into practice is a whole other story! But its something worth working on. I’ve realised that I really have been letting my thoughts dictate a lot in my life in the past few weeks.

Today’s devotion from the Proverbs 31 women was about our thoughts. Her closing words were ‘your thoughts really do have wheels. Where are yours taking you?’ Wow, that really hit me. Where have my thoughts been taking me? Off the beaten track. On badly made roads with potholes and traffic and all things that should be avoided.

Earlier today I had a bad moment. My thoughts started to take over. But then I gave myself a mental jolt. I focused on the weekend that had just passed. It was a really good weekend. Finally one that I didn’t have to dread. On Friday night we had a quick but enjoyable meal together and then interviewed our new nanny/maid. Then we watched a movie together. OK truthfully I went to sleep and he watched but it was still together! Saturday I had a school commitment but then we spent the afternoon together. We spoke and laughed and again in the evening we hung out together. Sunday was a quiet day in aside from lunch at a restaurant. I know that isn’t what my husband wanted but I appreciated the time together. I appreciated the time I got to rest. I really appreciated that there were no fights, no ugliness or nastiness. No bitterness or anger. Reflecting on these things really upgraded my thoughts. And it led to something more, I was looking forward to my husband coming home from work today. When he walked in the door I had a genuine sense of absolute pleasure to see him. Its been a long time since I’ve had that feeling and I felt like it was radiating from me. We sat at the table for dinner and the conversation just flowed. There were no awkward pauses as I desperately tried to think of something to say. No moments where, in my desperation to make him happy, I interrupted him. It was just calm and filled with companionship.

It was all so real and I pray for more of it.

Worry and stress

Published October 19, 2012 by recover3

When I was 13 I told a racist joke to two of my black friends. It is still one of the most racist jokes I know (how I wish I could forget it!) and I have no idea what possessed me to tell it to them or how they actually stayed friends with me! To this day I cringe when I think about that moment and wish I could go back in time and change it.

This is just one of the many examples I could give of things I worry about. I was about things I can’t change, things that may or may not happen, things I think are going to happen and things I can’t even control. Basically I worry about almost everything – past, present and future. I’m not even entirely sure why I worry so much. Yes, there are times when my worrying has paid off and I’ve actually been able to benefit from worrying. But more often than not, I look back and wonder what exactly I was getting so worked up about. Last night is the perfect example. Next weekend there is a Halloween party. I don’t want to go. I have many reasons for not wanting to go: 32 weeks is pushing it to be hanging out at a bar, people smoke inside, I am getting really tired now and I can’t go out with my husband anymore when he drinks, its just too stressful and every time it kills me a little bit inside. Obviously, I didn’t want him to go without me either. I really don’t want to be selfish about it but for this particular event, I just really don’t want him to go. So I’ve spend the whole of this week worrying about it and getting myself all worked up. Trying to figure out what the right thing to say and do would be. Finally last night I got the courage to say something to him. I decided to say something as he was about to leave for gym so he had time to consider it and we could talk about when he got back. I made a plea of ‘please could we not go to the Halloween party next Saturday’. He looked at me confused and replied that he hadn’t been planning on going and anyway it wasn’t good for me to be standing in a smoke filled room. Of course I was momentarily silenced. Here I was gearing up for an argument and his reply was exactly what I wanted to hear. There was me stressing out the whole week and he hadn’t even spared a thought for the bloody event!

I’ve been worrying about a lot of other things this week too. I found out at the beginning of the week that our landlord is selling our apartment and we have move. This is after we’ve spend months making it a home and we’re more than half way through the baby’s room. Plus we probably won’t be able to move until I am almost due. Not cool! I still have another three weeks (or maybe even more) to wait to find out whether I’ll be offered the Economics post or not. Each week it seems to be slipping further from my grasp. The school wants me but external forces are putting requirements in place which leave me as option number 3. I have absolutely no control over this but I am still worrying about it. I also found out this week that we have to cover the apartment bills while I’m on maternity leave (usually the school covers them) so now I’m worrying about budgeting that in. We need to hire a nanny/maid. This is proving more difficult than originally anticipated. So now I’m worrying about that – both the hiring part and actually having a stranger in our house! I am also worrying about our anticipated trip home. By the end of this year it will be two years since we’ve been. We should be there now for my best friends wedding. But that was postponed because of the baby. Then it was going to be January but that was put on hold because now the baby is only due late December. Then February but now that’s on hold because my mother in law might get married in April. Is another whole year going to pass before we get there?????

I don’t mind the worrying so much. It what happens as a result of me worrying too much that bugs me. My mind starts to wonder to dark places and I think about the things I would rather just leave behind. Today I was washing the dishes and suddenly my mind shifted to the affair. Smack in the middle of my thoughts was ‘your husband actually betrayed you and slept with someone else’. I have no idea what actually triggered it but I couldn’t seem to escape it. It made me really sad. Sad because, for all his faults, when I look at him I just can’t picture a guy who would do that. It just doesn’t seem right. Sad because I know at times he’s trying and it feels like I’m doing him a disservice.

I appreciate that this week he’s spent a lot of time telling me not to worry about these things. Telling me not to let them get to me. I’m trying not to. But it matters to me that he is acknowledging that this is an issue in my life and he is aware of it. That he wants to help with it.

Turning 30

Published October 15, 2012 by recover3

I can’t say I spent a lot of time of time imaging turning 30. But when I did I don’t think about it I didn’t imagined things like this. I figured that maybe I’d be married and maybe I’d have children. But nothing set in stone – I was determined I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who had their whole lives mapped out and set themselves up for constant disappointment because life wasn’t working out the way they planned. I definitely thought I’d be more mature. That I wouldn’t giggle at the most ridiculous things. That I’d be on my way to owning my own house and that I’d have a stable job in my chosen career. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike the life I have or wish that my life did fit in with all those things. It just makes me wonder how we get these strange images of older people but when we get there we realise they aren’t so different from where we are. We just think they’re old.

I’m only turning 30 next year. In June to be exact. Still some time away. The reason I’m pondering it now is because I got the idea of doing the ’30 before 30′ list that I had read on someone else’s blog. Problem is that I am four months into it and so far I a) haven’t achieved anything off the list and b) don’t even have a list of 30 things. I refuse to put stupid, unrealistic things on the list. I’m trying to take into account the fact that soon I’ll have a new baby to consider as well.

This is my list so far:

1. Have a baby (yes I know this one is technically cheating but I’m allowed at least one easy one!)

2. Get my Chinese beyond absolute beginner level

3. Visit a new country

4. Start my honours in Business Management

5. Learn to play three songs on the guitar well

And that is as far as my list has gotten so far. Not even half way!!!

If you have some suggestions I’d love to hear them. Help me finish my list…

Continuing with forgiveness

Published October 13, 2012 by recover3

A few weeks ago the affair recovery website posted a blog entry on forgiveness. It was a fantastic article and quite a few of the bloggers that I follow reblogged it. For this reason I decided to skip following on. But Rick, the author, has continued with series on forgiveness and this weeks article also really struck me. So I thought I’d share this one and write about my feelings on it. His wife has contributed to this article so its really nice to see forgiveness from the perspective of betrayed and betrayer.

http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/forgiving-infidelity-suggestions?utm_campaign=newsletter&utm_medium=email_10-09&utm_source=list_MC&utm_content=suggest-forgiveness&utm_term=link_visible

Stephanies points:

1. Hmmmm, I think I did this the wrong way round. I said I forgave. I prayed about it. But I’m still so angry. Does that mean I haven’t forgiven or I’m just not dealing with things as well as I’d like to be. As for don’t reconcile if your partner isn’t safe. Well…. He is still refusing to put solid boundaries in place. He’s still chatting to other girls. Yes I may know one of them and know she is a friend but is it really necessary for them to talk as often and as much as they do? And what about the other one who I don’t know?

2. See, here I am bitter and resentful. What did I do to hurt this badly? To feel so humiliated? Some days I truly want him to suffer as much as I have/am. I want him to feel the pain I do in the hope that it will change him. Even though I know it probably won’t.

3. I’m not doing to badly here. I am actually able to focus on the future and the present and good things a lot of the time. I would say more time is spent focusing on the good and not the bad. It took a long time for me to reach this point.

4. I like to think I’m a compassionate person. But I struggle here. There just been so many things that sometimes compassion is hard to find.

5. ‘life isn’t fair’. I hate that. I don’t feel like I deserve all of this and its hard to accept that its happened.

6. I am doing what I can in this area. I’m trying to focus on my baby. He or she is going to need all the love he/she can get.

7. I am self-righteous at times. Its hard not to be. But I am only human.

Ricks points:

1. My husband is constantly defensive. He always wants to defend his actions instead of taking responsibility for them. He wants me to know my role in it all. (not the affair, he doesn’t in any way hold me responsible for that. Just other arguments)

2. I know he thinks he understands how he hurts me but I don’t believe he truly gets it. For one, he wouldn’t be doing a lot of the things he’s doing now if he did and for two he’d be living up to all of the promises he made most of the time if he did.

3. In the early days he showed appreciation. Now he doesn’t at all. In fact he spends a lot of time trying to convince me why I should tell him to go. He spends a lot of time imaging a life without me. Not to say I don’t sometimes think about that too but I never vocalise it because I know how much it hurts me to hear it.

4. What can I even say here…. I asked him to at least not to go clubs, he still does it. I asked him to stop communicating with that girl, he still does it. He goes out and comes home at 2, 3 or 4 in the morning despite the fact that he knows I don’t sleep properly til he is home. He is nasty and rude and horrible to me when drunk but he won’t cut down or stop drinking. He keeps stupid, unimportant pieces of information from me.

5. Like I’ve already mentioned, there are no boundaries in place. He is fighting going to see a therapist. He won’t forgive himself.

6. I agree. The idea of the two of them together kills. But all the lies is just soul destroying.

7. I’m not sure what to say about this. Conversations about what happened vary depending on his mood and how much he’s had to drink.

8. I can’t comment here. I don’t know if my husband forgives me for my flaws.

9. Patience…. nope its not there. We are only just beyond a year and he lost patience a long time ago. He wants me to be over it all and to trust him already. Even if he’d been doing all the above things it would be unrealistic to expect me to be past it all already.

I know, you’re reading this and thinking ‘why is she still with him then’. But something I have definitely learnt during this experience is that there is always more to a situation than meets the eye. And its always easier to give advice when you are on the outside. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. Maybe one day I’m going to wake up and ask myself ‘why the hell are ¬†you here wasting your time?’. But maybe one day it will really be ok. Until then I’m going to hang onto God and hang onto hope.

A memory

Published October 4, 2012 by recover3

Last night, while I was brushing my teeth, I was struck by a memory from last year. It was from the time when my husband had left me and was pretending we weren’t even married anymore. It was before I knew about the affair and was still under the impression that all that it had been was an inappropriate friendship. My husband had set up a new facebook profile and I had just received a friend invite. I had a look at the profile and noticed two things – one that he had set it up a few days before and two that she was already a friend on it. I was very hurt. Hurt because he took his time inviting me on it, because he had invited her back first and because he had her on there at all. Stupidly, I confronted him about all this and he got angry. He screamed at me, in front of our colleagues and strangers, that he wasn’t my husband anymore and I needed to stop treating him like one. I don’t know what invoked that memory to come back but it stung as much last night as it did when he first said it. The memory has obviously been relived by me before but not for a long time. It makes me sad to know that it still hurts as much now.

Thinking about it now also brings up a host of other memories from that time. Things I haven’t thought about for a very long time. Its hard to process the things he said and did during that time. The way he treated me and how he led me on. Its hard not to compare what he said then and what he says now and wonder which version he really meant. I know logically if he meant all the things in the past he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t have asked me to give him another chance.

But…..

…. some of the things he says when he’s drunk are more similar to the old rather than the new. Like deep down he does regret having a moment of weakness and coming back to me. Like he would rather be free of me and this baby so he can do whatever he wants. If I had a super power it would definitely be mind reading. So I could truly know what he is still keeping from me, what he is thinking and feeling. And to have a real answer once and for all.

The days dash by

Published October 3, 2012 by recover3

I haven’t been writing again. In fact its been quite a while since my last post. I don’t really have any real, valid excuses for not writing. One reason is because I suspected that my husband was still reading my blog. This was confirmed. It doesn’t make me angry or upset. Sometimes I think its good for him to read what I write because I can’t always say it to him but I want him to know. But it has also made me reluctant to write because I don’t feel I can be as honest as I want to be. Sometimes I write things when I’m fueled by emotion, things that I feel at that moment but I don’t actually mean. If I put it down in black and white and he reads it, I can’t ever take it back. That doubt will always be in his mind.

I also haven’t written because a lot has been going on and I’ve been trying to deal with it and process it. I didn’t want to immediately share it on here because I knew that the comments people would make would sway me and I needed to sort this out on my own. I still don’t have all the answers and I’m not sure when I will. I do know that I’m not going to rush it because these are going to life altering decisions.

The long and the short of it is that something bad and something good happened. Not bad as in another affair but bad as in he kept something from and that upset me. Good as in his mood is up again. And that is wonderful. It has been great. He is interested in me and sex and the baby! Life feels like its on the right track again. Still with some speed bumps but those I expect.

Now I just need to process my feelings on the bad incident. I need to ultimately decide what I’m prepared to lose and give. I need to establish if I am being a fool and compromising things I shouldn’t be. I need to remember who I am and how strong I am. I need to keep trusting and believing that God is in control, not me.