On one hand its been a rough week. I had a terrible experience at the hospital on Tuesday which left me feeling very frustrated and quite terrified of having the baby here. Then I came home and spoke to my parents and found out my gran is very ill in hospital. My gran is old and has had a good life. It makes me sad though to know I haven’t seen her in almost two years and it makes me even more sad to think she may not even get to see her great-grandchild. I’ve always wanted to take this generation photo – of my gran, my mom, me and my child. To know its so close yet so far is just upsetting.
Despite these things going on I still have to say that mentally, I’ve been having a good week. Every night I’ve looked forward to my husband coming home and I’ve enjoyed his company when we’ve been together. We haven’t been fighting and he’s been so supportive and caring. Its been just what I’ve wanted and needed. But then last night I just lost my mojo. My spirits dropped and I can’t seem to find my happy place again. I think I can kind of pin point where it went and why. One part of it is because I was supposed to skype with my best friend yesterday. She’s getting married on Saturday and I was supposed to be her maid of honour. But with the pregnancy we ultimately decided it was too much of a risk for me to fly that far. We text often but we haven’t spoken in months and I was really looking forward to it. I sent her a message saying don’t forget about me and she said she wouldn’t but by 11pm I still hadn’t heard anything. I just couldn’t stay up any longer. I get that its a busy time but I really needed her to set that time aside for me. Maybe selfish but its how I felt. That got me down and so of course it led to other things getting me down.
My husband has a work function tonight. I in no way begrudge him this. I understand that these things come along and he has to go to them. That’s fine. But of course in my present mood it has me worrying about things that I can’t even control. I want him to go to his work function, mingle likes he meant to, have one or two drinks and then come home to me, at a reasonable hour. I don’t want him to just keep endlessly drinking. I don’t want him to get very very drunk. I don’t want him to go clubbing or bar hopping or KTV or whatever. I don’t want him to come home at 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. I don’t want him to end up sleeping til the afternoon because he’s tired and hungover and then our plans to go away are cut short. And of course I know its unfair of me to assume that any of these things are going to happen. That he’s trying and I should give him the benefit of the doubt. And believe me, I want to. I don’t want to think these things or feel this way. But its been the pattern for so long now that its really hard to think otherwise. Last weekend was so good and it really helped me not to spend the whole of this week dreading the weekend again. I think I needed a few more of those good weekends before I could have an event like tonight taking place and not worry about it.
I hope my mojo comes back for the weekend. I want to go away and enjoy it. This will probably be the last one away. I need it to be a good one.