I haven’t written for a few days now. I was on a mission to try and write every day and if I didn’t manage that to at least not let two whole days pass before I posted again. But, to be perfectly honest, I have been avoiding writing for the past few days. They haven’t been good and I didn’t want to commit them to memory or the world wide web. I have to face it though – things are not good and I can’t avoid that indefinitely, although some days I wish I could.
My husband is going through a bad patch. He is very negative and very focused on the fact that he wants to die. He has no sex drive because he is depressed. He is drinking heavily (on a Friday night only) because he is depressed. He is angry and negative and hates everyone because he is depressed. He wants to leave because he is depressed. I’m at a loss at what to do anymore. I feel like a failure because I don’t know how to be there for my husband anymore.
A lot of unhappy things have been said by him – including that I made a mistake taking him back, he’s the wrong guy for me and that I need to tell him to leave. He also asked me how is he supposed to care about a baby when he doesn’t even care about himself and just wants to die. I have brought up the topic of seeing a therapist again. He was against it at first but seems to be coming round now. I had some good arguments as to why he should.
I don’t want to go into the details of it all. But I will say that after Friday night, the rest of the weekend has passed in peace. I am focusing on peace because I can’t afford to keep getting so stressed out. Its taking its toll on the baby. And yes, some of you are thinking ‘so why don’t you just leave?’ There are so many answers as to why I won’t. But right now the biggest one is because the stress of thinking about doing this alone is just too much.