My tear-stained pillow

Published September 1, 2012 by recover3

I have being going to bed in tears or almost in tears a fair amount recently. There have been a variety of reasons for this and it makes me feel like my world is crumbling around me again and I don’t know how to stop it. The last three nights have been particularly bad.

The first night was triggered between my husband and my hormones. He left his phone on the table with a message open. I couldn’t control myself – I read it. I confronted him about it and he had a very real and valid explanation for it. He apologised that he hadn’t deleted it immediately and that I even had to see it. All I felt was guilty because I’d been snooping. This opened the floodgate and I couldn’t stop crying. He thought I was crying because of the text. But I was crying for so many more reasons – I still had bad test results and was worried for the baby, I was so tired and struggling with work and I hated admitting this. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him these things.

The second night was sad. My mom sent me a text to tell me that a family friend, who I have known my whole life, had just shot himself. My husband was a great source of comfort. He hugged me, he rubbed my back and he just listened to me talk about this man. I hoped that some of what I said would hit home with my husband – about just how bad things get when you leave depression untreated and refuse to ask for help.

Last night I didn’t cry when I went to bed but I wanted to. We had gone out to dinner with someone my husband knows and they had quite a few drinks. We actually had a really good evening. I started to get a little frustrated because I was tired and wanted to go home. My husband knew this but chose to ignore it. I didn’t make it a big deal and all was well. Then we got into a taxi to go home and everything unraveled. A girl he works with sent him a voice message saying she missed him and have a good day off. Now I must add that this kind of thing is normal with Chinese girls – it isn’t the same as when a Westerner says it. I’m not defending it but I just want add that footnote because after living in China for so long I know that this isn’t behaviour I need to worry about. But what did upset me was the fact that this girl is 16 and I don’t think my husband should have given her his number. I want him to understand what I am talking about when I say he needs to put boundaries in place. Of course my husband was drunk so he defended himself. He basically told me I needed to accept this and move on. I tried to tell him that the fact that it upset me meant he should be putting my feelings first.

Today I have to tell my husband a few things. The first is that he now needs to choose which is more important – being able to drink as much as he wants or having me and his child in his life. I’m not asking him to stop, just to cut down. To stop revolving his life around alcohol. The second is that I can’t do this anymore. That I have worked hard to make our marriage work and it is now on him. He needs to put boundaries in place when it comes to women, including understanding why its not appropriate for him to give him number to a 16 year old and why messages of ‘I miss you’ are wrong and he should be putting a stop to them. If he’s not prepared to do these things then we are never going to work. And I need to stop kidding myself that they are.

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband and he is a good man. I don’t want it all to end.


4 comments on “My tear-stained pillow

    • We sat down and had a good talk about it all. My husband apologised and said he should never have defended himself and he understands why I keep saying he needs to have boundaries.
      For the first time I bluntly told him I can’t do this anymore. That if he isn’t going to do what I’m asking then he can say good-bye to me and the baby now.
      He has been good in the past with following through so I have no reason to not believe him now.

      • Good for you. The best thing in the world is “talking about it.” I can say that, but it’s hard for me to do…I need to act on it. (I say that just so you don’t think I’m giving advice because I’ve got it all together. I don’t.) Just don’t want you to feel alone in your journey. Hope you have the support you need, and time alone to yourself to figure out ALL that you are.

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