Since D-day I have done a lot of research on affairs and infidelity and I’m not going to lie – I didn’t like everything I read. A lot of places said that I needed to accept responsibility for my part in the affair. That I needed to admit to whatever need I wasn’t meeting or whatever friction I was causing, etc. What a load of sh*t! I didn’t DO or SAY anything wrong. Now, don’t get me wrong – I don’t think I’m some perfect person who never says or does anything wrong. I make huge blunders all the time – I speak before thinking, I’m controlling and I often want things my way. But the plain truth is NOT ALL AFFAIRS OCCUR BECAUSE THERE IS A PROBLEM IN THE MARRIAGE!!!!
Lets look at the facts of my marriage: We had been married three months when the affair began. We were happy. We spent time together, we had fun together, we had a good sex life. We bonded, we talked, we enjoyed each others company. All of this was confirmed by my husband. He told me he wasn’t feeling deprived of anything and he didn’t feel like anything was missing. My husband has issues. He suffers from depression and a low self-esteem. He hates himself. He drinks too much. She worked in the shop near the restaurant he managed. They met over smoke breaks. They bonded of their mutual interest in writing and art. She relentlessly pursued him. Her interest in him made him feel good about himself – in addition to how I made him feel, not in place of what I made him feel. I asked him not to be friends with her as it seemed to be getting inappropriate. He agreed – and continued the friendship behind my back. My husband has a problem with authority and doesn’t like to be told what to do. He feels (felt) he’s earned the right to make his decisions and refuses to have someone else tell him what he can and can’t do.
One night we went out and we’d both been drinking. He went home to get something and I stayed at the bar with some other friends. She’d been texting him, begging him to go and meet her outside her house. Because he was drunk and not with me, he went. And it happened. He had sex with her up against the side of his car. And the affair began and it continued for about four months because of the thrill and excitement of ‘the secret’.
We began going to counselling about three months into the affair. I know it sounds contradictory to say we were doing fine and then say we went to counselling. The reason we began was because I had discovered my husband had been in contact with his ex-girlfriend from another country and they had been sending each other naked pictures. I found out because her current boyfriend found me on facebook and sent me the pictures of my husband. Again he was doing this because of the ‘feel good’ factor and not because I was denying him something. About a month into the counselling my husband decided he wanted to give our marriage a real shot and ended the affair. They remained friends but nothing physical. I have no reason to believe otherwise as I have read emails from her that fit in with this. So he began and ended an affair all without my knowledge.
When we come down to it, my husband’s affair began due to a mutual interest they shared. I have my own talents but unfortunately writing and art are not ones I was blessed with. But I always showed an interest in my husbands writing and his art. I was always supportive and interested. He refused to share his writing with me but he showed it to her. Was I supposed to sneak a look at it? The idea of that just felt wrong. So back to the original ‘take responsibility for your part in the affair and apologise for what you were doing wrong/denying/etc’. Must I apologise that God never blessed me with those particular artistic talents?
I think not.