Published August 24, 2012 by recover3

Until the affair, I don’t think I had, had a major loss in my life. I lost my grandfather when I was 8 and then my grandmother when I was 13. Of course I loved my grandparents but I didn’t see them often enough for it to truly have an impact on my life. And I was young and with my grandmother she was ill for a while first so I was kind of prepared for the loss. If I think very hard there have been a few other people who have passed away who were of consequence in my life. But there hasn’t been a truly significant loss in my life. The affair is my first foray into a real, significant loss. This is new ground for me.

I don’t believe I took the time to grieve what I had lost. For one I had nothing to compare it to and for two, it never occurred to me that I actually needed to grieve it. I never stopped and took stock of what I had actually lost. And I had lost a lot. Some were minor things that would soon be forgotten but others were big things that will probably never be recovered.

Today I’m making my list of things I have lost. I think its important to take these things into account – even a year down the line. Sooner would have been better but like they say ‘better late than never.

I lost: – a part of my innocence          – the ability to sleep well (for a while)          – time          – my self-esteem          – my self-respect                            – my emotional security          – my sense of being special           – the significance of my wedding vows          – hope          – my belief in my husbands integrity          – the ability to control my thoughts          – a lot of the respect for my husband         – some of the positive body image I had (for a while)          – the vision I had of my marriage          – my peace of mind          – the plans I had for the future                             – my sense of the world          – my feelings of safety          – my sense of humour (not permanently)         – my confidence in my judgement      – any sense of discernment         – pride in my marriage           – the trust I had in my husband          – the trust I had in myself                              – the belief I had in the past of my marriage          – a healthy sex life (which to this day is still on and off)          – the idea of my past                 – the belief that I knew my husband          – how smart I thought I was           – my dignity           – the ability to be completely honest with my friends          – my sense of reality          – a husband that would never cheat           – my identity          – the memories I had of our relationship        – confidence in my decisions

I’m pretty sure I could come up with a lot more. But that’s a pretty extensive list of things I’ve lost. Things I have never grieved the loss of. My plan now is to take the time to grieve for each of these items and any others that come to mind. It will take time but I know it needs to be done.


6 comments on “Grieving

  • That is a very important thing to do. It is one of the first things we did in my group for spouses of sex addicts. There needs to be a time of grieving for all of these things that we *thought* were true of our spouse, our marriage, our life… I completely understand.

      • Exactly. It’s better to do it now than to hold onto all of that inside, unresolved. And sometimes you have to revisit a particular item and grieve for it again. I just went through a phase of really grieving the lost of my ability to trust in him. I will never, ever completely, blindly trust him again. That makes me sad. But it is the reality of my situation.

  • Trust? What’s that?

    No, really I get it. I asked him even again yesterday, if I know EVERYTHING. Somehow though, I don’t think I do, considering he said that to me for a year only to find out about 2 more AP’s.

    • This is a time when I really wish I was a mind reader. I also feel like I don’t know everything. My husband was very open when it came to answering my questions (even the ones I shouldn’t have been asking!) but I don’t think I’ll ever get everything I want.

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