Until the affair, I don’t think I had, had a major loss in my life. I lost my grandfather when I was 8 and then my grandmother when I was 13. Of course I loved my grandparents but I didn’t see them often enough for it to truly have an impact on my life. And I was young and with my grandmother she was ill for a while first so I was kind of prepared for the loss. If I think very hard there have been a few other people who have passed away who were of consequence in my life. But there hasn’t been a truly significant loss in my life. The affair is my first foray into a real, significant loss. This is new ground for me.
I don’t believe I took the time to grieve what I had lost. For one I had nothing to compare it to and for two, it never occurred to me that I actually needed to grieve it. I never stopped and took stock of what I had actually lost. And I had lost a lot. Some were minor things that would soon be forgotten but others were big things that will probably never be recovered.
Today I’m making my list of things I have lost. I think its important to take these things into account – even a year down the line. Sooner would have been better but like they say ‘better late than never.
I lost: – a part of my innocence – the ability to sleep well (for a while) – time – my self-esteem – my self-respect – my emotional security – my sense of being special – the significance of my wedding vows – hope – my belief in my husbands integrity – the ability to control my thoughts – a lot of the respect for my husband – some of the positive body image I had (for a while) – the vision I had of my marriage – my peace of mind – the plans I had for the future – my sense of the world – my feelings of safety – my sense of humour (not permanently) – my confidence in my judgement – any sense of discernment – pride in my marriage – the trust I had in my husband – the trust I had in myself – the belief I had in the past of my marriage – a healthy sex life (which to this day is still on and off) – the idea of my past – the belief that I knew my husband – how smart I thought I was – my dignity – the ability to be completely honest with my friends – my sense of reality – a husband that would never cheat – my identity – the memories I had of our relationship – confidence in my decisions
I’m pretty sure I could come up with a lot more. But that’s a pretty extensive list of things I’ve lost. Things I have never grieved the loss of. My plan now is to take the time to grieve for each of these items and any others that come to mind. It will take time but I know it needs to be done.