I am not happy with my life right now. I could just be having a bad day or I could, in fact, be having a bad life. Its Tuesday and I’m already worrying about the weekend. I’m so tired of every weekend being the same. My husband comes home from work and is ready for the weekend. And every single weekend he either arrives home with a bunch of alcohol or goes out to buy some soon after he arrives home. This is in addition to the wine and/or beer that he drinks every single night. Then generally one of two things happen – he starts to complain about how much he wants to go out and gets all sulky about it or he goes out and comes home at some ridiculous hour like he’s a single guy with no responsibilities. It never changes. We got into an argument the other day because he keeps saying how he drinks so much less now and I wanted to know how he came to this conclusion. So he condescendingly asked me if I realise how much he drinks when he goes out. A couple of months ago, before he started working, he didn’t have a couple of drinks every night and he didn’t even go out every weekend. If he added up the alcohol he drank back then in a month and compared it to now he would see just how much more he is drinking. But all he can think about is how he wants to go out and get sloshed. Does he really think that is what is going to continue when the baby is here? That I’m just going to sit home like a good little wife and mom while he continues with his ‘other life’?
My husband doesn’t want me right now either. I’m lucky if we have sex every two weeks. Given my current situation its actually soul destroying. I’m watching my body change and wanting to desperately enjoy my child growing inside of me but instead I’m thinking about how I don’t turn my husband on anymore. Of course he tells me it has nothing to do with the pregnancy but that doesn’t make me feel any better.
I don’t want it to be like this. When did my life revert back to him worrying about when he was going to get to go out drinking and me worrying about what he’s going to do when he’s out, alone and plastered. I thought we’d gotten to the point when I meant more. But the truth is I don’t and I probably never will.