I have been really reluctant to continue posting on here because, despite assuring me he wouldn’t, my husband has betrayed me by continuing to search for and read my blog. He says what does it matter because he knows all these things anyway – but again its the principal of it. He said he wouldn’t and he did it anyway. What else is doing that he said he wouldn’t?
I think my husband is giving up on me. My hormones are going crazy with this pregnancy and I’m at an all time high with my emotions. But he cuts me no slack. He doesn’t stop and think, this is bigger than her, no he just gives back even more. Today is his birthday and he hasn’t even gotten up yet. I went onto facebook to find that he has deleted me off. He knows that this is going to upset and that I’m going to react to it – but he did it anyway. He deleted everyone except two people. He’s going to tell me – but I deleted almost everyone. He doesn’t get that I don’t care who he deleted – I care that other people got to stay. That I take that as him saying they are more important than me. Plus, he can just go and do whatever he wants on there now. He mostly does that anyway. But why would he deliberately go and do that to me? Why does he deliberately set out to hurt me?
I’m so angry I don’t know what to do. We have pretty much been fighting the whole week and I am so tired of it. And I can say that it is his fault. Last Saturday we went to a wedding lunch and then onto some other places with friends. He was drinking by noon and didn’t stop for a second. He got absolutely wasted. And then he laid into me. I hadn’t said or done anything to set him off. He insulted me and my family, he told me how his family is superior, he told me I’m worthless and should be grateful he’s still here, he told me he hates me and I’m killing him. He just went on and on. Eventually I walked out and went home alone. He claims not to remember saying any of these things. He doesn’t seem to be sorry about saying them either. He actually had the nerve to ask what I did to start him off saying these things. Like I was asking for it. The night after I told him these things, I came home to find he’d bought a brand new bottle of brandy and was in the process of finishing the last one. He has a problem with alcohol and instead of saying I’m more important, he’d rather just ignore it. Or tell me I must accept who he is.
He sent me messages last night asking me (again!) whether my life would be better without him in it. That he feels like he’s getting in the way of everyone. He gets angry when he has to repeat himself once and yet he keeps asking me this question. I’M PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD, WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK I WANT?????????????????????????
I’m so sad that…. I’m just so sad.