You did a terrible thing….

Published April 6, 2012 by recover3

… but it doesn’t make you a terrible person. 

I wish my husband would listen to this quote and accept it. He wants me to get over what happened and move on but he refuses to do the very same thing. He will not forgive himself. How am I supposed to move on if he isn’t?

I’m having a bit of a down moment. I am sitting in the lounge while my husband is in the bedroom, with the door closed. Two hours ago, our positions were reversed. And all because we got into a stupid argument. Or two stupid arguments. I don’t even know anymore. I was telling him about my dream, he asked a question and I answered it and went onto explaining more. He shook his head and pulled a face because he didn’t think I’d answered his question. I reacted and so it went. Later I asked him if he was still angry. He told me I was assuming things. I told him I was asking whether or not he was angry based on the actions he’d been doing. He insisted I was assuming he was. He is so busy telling me how I want to explain myself, get my point across and be right that he doesn’t even realise that, in fact, that’s exactly what he is doing. 

We’ve spoken about starting a family. For a variety of reasons, the chances of us conceiving naturally are really low. Each month I am ever hopeful but so far no luck. I haven’t really been disappointed because I’ve accepted the reality of the situation. But this month, I’m late. I haven’t been late before. So I had a little glimmer of hope. Unfortunately, with each passing day that hope seems to grow. I’m really trying not to let it grow because there are a million reasons why I could be late and I don’t really have any other symptoms. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I tried to explain to him that I’m preoccupied by it. I don’t think I have the ability to express myself properly. He wasn’t callous and he listened to me. He was realistic about it. I don’t want to do a test yet because I’m scared. I want him to know this. He doesn’t think we should even worry about it til next week anyway. I haven’t brought it up again. 

I wonder what a baby would bring…


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