I haven’t written in a while again. This time it hasn’t been intentional. A lot has just been going on – in a good way!
A while ago I blogged about being late and my preoccupation with it. The other night we went out to dinner. My husband asked me about it and when I replied still nothing he said we should go and get a test. Now because of his history we were both pretty sure having kids naturally just wasn’t going to happen for us (even though we were giving it a go anyway). So I agreed to get a test – I thought I was humouring him and he thought he was helping me cross off the options for the lateness. I came home and did the test. A faint line started to appear and I actually thought I’d done it wrong (I mean, who pee’s on a stick wrong?!) so I went to show him and he said I was imagining it. I switched on the main light and made him look again and he agreed something was there. I was a little overwhelmed. And I made him go with me to get another test. We got a different make just to be sure. Lo and behold two very dark lines appeared almost immediately! We went to the hospital the next day to get it confirmed.
Lots of excitement going on. I was initially a little worried – I was scared how my parents would react, that maybe they thought it was too soon. But they were pretty much thrilled. It was great. Now I just want to get far enough along to see the baby on a scan (we tried but got told its too early to see anything), and to tell everyone.
Patience is definitely not my thing.
I don’t think I’m thankful enough. I’m not sure that I stop and take in what I have. Its not that I don’t do it, I just don’t do it often enough.
Reading some others’ blogs and talking about how much they wanted to save their marriage but it just hasn’t happened for them makes me really sad. I remember the pain I went through while I was still separated from my husband, how hard it is to let go of that glimmer of hope (even if its not really a glimmer). I am truly grateful and thankful that God led me through that minefield and brought my husband back to me. That He has restored my marriage to me.
It hasn’t been easy and I do sometimes question my decision. But that’s mostly when I’m mad. I love knowing I can go home to him, that I can sleep next to him, that I can talk to him.
I would have recovered and moved on. I know that I am strong enough and that I was on the road to recovery. But I want to take the moment to say THANK YOU that I didn’t have to.
… but it doesn’t make you a terrible person.
I wish my husband would listen to this quote and accept it. He wants me to get over what happened and move on but he refuses to do the very same thing. He will not forgive himself. How am I supposed to move on if he isn’t?
I’m having a bit of a down moment. I am sitting in the lounge while my husband is in the bedroom, with the door closed. Two hours ago, our positions were reversed. And all because we got into a stupid argument. Or two stupid arguments. I don’t even know anymore. I was telling him about my dream, he asked a question and I answered it and went onto explaining more. He shook his head and pulled a face because he didn’t think I’d answered his question. I reacted and so it went. Later I asked him if he was still angry. He told me I was assuming things. I told him I was asking whether or not he was angry based on the actions he’d been doing. He insisted I was assuming he was. He is so busy telling me how I want to explain myself, get my point across and be right that he doesn’t even realise that, in fact, that’s exactly what he is doing.
We’ve spoken about starting a family. For a variety of reasons, the chances of us conceiving naturally are really low. Each month I am ever hopeful but so far no luck. I haven’t really been disappointed because I’ve accepted the reality of the situation. But this month, I’m late. I haven’t been late before. So I had a little glimmer of hope. Unfortunately, with each passing day that hope seems to grow. I’m really trying not to let it grow because there are a million reasons why I could be late and I don’t really have any other symptoms. But I can’t stop thinking about it. I tried to explain to him that I’m preoccupied by it. I don’t think I have the ability to express myself properly. He wasn’t callous and he listened to me. He was realistic about it. I don’t want to do a test yet because I’m scared. I want him to know this. He doesn’t think we should even worry about it til next week anyway. I haven’t brought it up again.
I wonder what a baby would bring…
I haven’t been able to bring myself to write recently. My husband read my blog. He admitted it as soon as I got home. He told me that previously he’d searched for it but couldn’t find it and on this particular day he happened to stumble upon it. Surprisingly (for me at least) I wasn’t angry. I was a bit worried about his reaction but then again, he shouldn’t have read it, should he? But he was really upbeat. I’m still undecided as to whether he was faking it or not. But either way, its made me hesitant to post again.
Yesterday was our anniversary. Three years – not very long when you consider all the crap I’ve been through. But I’m still proud of us. There were quite a few moments where I really thought we weren’t going to make it. We went away for three days. It was great. No fighting, no computers, no TV. Just us. We bonded again.
The negativity seemed to engulf us as soon as we walked back into our apartment. But I’m trying hard not to let it get to me. Today seems to be going better so I’m hanging onto that.
I’ve also asked my husband to stop drinking. Maybe not permanently but for a while at least. Its just too much when he’s drunk and he doesn’t know when to stop. I appreciate how he took my request and I hope it lasts. I don’t know that I’ll ever stop having faith in him. He is a truly wonderful husband most of the time. I am lucky at those times.