I thought it was happening again. I thought he was sliding back into his old ways again. But, I got the wrong end of the stick. Turns out the message I saw was from an old student. A lot of his old students still IM him and when I confronted him about it, I could see he wasn’t lying. Then I moved onto the website I’d seen. Turns out I got the wrong idea there too. I just assumed that because the link was in the history that he must of gone on there – even though there was no indication of registering or anything. All it was, was a pop up from the website where we watch English TV.
I was so sad after confronting him. I had all these things built up in my head and I was all wrong. I just feel stupid for jumping to conclusions.
The weekend was hard. We went out on both Friday and Saturday night. Friday was going well – we were all having a good time and no fighting. Then some of them decided we should go clubbing. I said no because it always ends in disaster for the two of. Needless to say, we went and it ended in disaster. My husband decided that all I do is nag and he was determined to prove a point – and ended up ruining the whole night. He announced twice that he was leaving again. He complained first that I nagged and always wanted to have my say. Then when I kept quiet, he complained that I had nothing to say. I told him it doesn’t matter what I do – he always finds fault with it. On Saturday we sorted it out and decided to go with friends to celebrate St. Patrick’s day. The night started really well and we enjoyed it. Before we left I said I didn’t want to stay late and he agreed. He said he had no problem with that. BUT, as soon as he had a few drinks in him he changed his mind. He made a scene in front of everyone and made me look bad. Completely ignoring what we had spoken about and made it seem like I was being a demanding nag (again!). We ended up in a fight at home. He eventually relented and admitted he was wrong. But then he told me that he finds it hard see a future for us because he’s hurt me so much and he knows he’ll hurt me in the future. That really sucked. It makes me wonder why I’m fighting so hard for our marriage if he’s already given up.
Sunday went better. We got on well and didn’t fight. I need to let go of my expectations. I always imagined I’d be married to a man who would constantly want me, who supported me no matter what, who didn’t challenge me or fight with me, who slotted into my life. But that isn’t what I have and I need to stop expecting it to change. My husband has a lot of great qualities and I need to celebrate those – not lament the ones he doesn’t have.