At the moment there are less happy times in our house than sad/angry/unhappy times. This worries me. The more I worry about it, the worse the situation seems to get. So now I’m trying to put it out of my mind. But its I can’t let go of the notion ‘who wants to live a life where the bad times are exceeding the good times?’. Its not right. I want to tell myself that it will get better. That we are just stuck in a rut right now because of winter, because of money, because we’re in a new place and still getting used to it. But what if it doesn’t get better? Do I have the strength to do what needs to be done? Everyone has told me how strong I am but I’m not so sure I agree.
I went on my husbands computer today. I know hey, how terrible. But I couldn’t help myself. There was a message there from someone who I don’t know. Its making me question whether he’s up to all his shit again. Illicitly communicating with strange women. I’m not sure I can handle it all over again.
When things are like this, I imagine a different life. One where I’ve moved on, found someone who treats me right all of the time. Who hasn’t made huge mistakes and repeatedly broken my heart. Where its all just easy. But then I imagine myself actually leaving and I can’t. I can’t imagine a life without him in it. Sometimes I ask myself – am I fighting so hard because I want this or because I don’t want to admit to failure, because he’s the one I want to be with or because I’m scared I’ll end up alone?
I know I love my husband. When I sit down and honestly think about it, I can come up with dozens of reasons why. I’m just scared that I’ve been damaged so badly that I’ll never be right again.