Some days I just feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall. I constantly ask myself ‘am I wasting my time? Have I made a colossal mistake?’ And then other days its all fine.
Yesterday we got into a rip-roaring fight. Lots of shouting and accusing. It ended with him walking out the house and slamming the door and me swearing at him. Not my finest moment. Swearing at your spouse is SO low. He went to buy cigarettes. When he came back, he found me and apologised, He told me how he was wrong and shouldn’t have reacted the way he did. I apologised for swearing at him. Conflict resolved – in less than twenty minutes. Go us!
Then today it just turned around. I felt like he was accusing me of always making him choose between me and other people or things.. I said that was such an unfair label to give me. That he’s decided this is what he has to do and he projects it on to me. Of course I want to be his priority – I’m his wife. But that doesn’t mean that every choice has to be about me.
I look back at our relationship and everything that seems ‘normal’ to want or have in a relationship I have had to fight for. He fights against it all. Eventually he comes round but not before he’s fought long and hard against it. I wish I didn’t have to fight for so much.
But on the other hand – shouldn’t I be glad at the amount he’s changed – and has been willing to change? He has issues that he needs to work through but at least he hasn’t abandoned me every time things have gotten tough. At the end of the day, I know he’d stop the world turning if he thought it would make me happy. That counts. A lot.