Things went well in the beginning. He was trying really hard and we were talking – a lot. And then one day he had a break down. He’d had enough of the restrictions placed on him and he was rebelling against them. The day he’d come to see me and beg my forgiveness I had asked him what would happen when he felt like this. He had told me it would be hard but he’d deal with it. BUT he wasn’t dealing very well. In his world, the affair had ended 18 months before and was old news. He didn’t seem to understand that I’d only just found out about it so it was still new to me. And on top of it being new to me I was also dealing with all the lies he’d been telling me. From even before the affair had started to the time he told me about it. And I was still recovering from the fact that my husband had left me – even if he’d come back (3 months later!!) I had been through a lot, more than a lot of people go through in their lifetime. 2011 was the worst year of my life.
Needless to say his rebelling led to a huge argument. I can still remember us sitting at the table outside a restaurant arguing. It was awful. So bad that I actually considered ending it before it even got going. But somehow we made it through that. I talked about it a lot. The affair, not the argument. I wanted to know everything. He wasn’t always forthcoming with the answers. Not because he didn’t want to, but sometimes he just didn’t know. To him, it had ended so long ago that he’d forgotten the particulars. I was a pain in the ass about it. But, as it turned out, I had been asking the right questions. Unfortunately I also asked a lot of wrong ones. I ended up comparing myself to her, which is a huge mistake. Him being willing to answer my questions at all counted. It was a step in the very long journey towards rebuilding the trust. Which,9 months down the line, is still not back. But we’re a lot more steps towards it.
We’ve had a number of other incidents that have been hard to deal with. One night he went out for dinner with a friend. Then told me he was coming home. But he ended up meeting up with the friend I mentioned in my jealousy post and only came home at 5am. I literally was going to end it then. I told a friend that I didn’t deserve this. His answer to me was ‘Jesus didn’t deserve to die on the cross for us but he did it.’ Talk about putting me in my place. It was one of the most inspiring things I’ve been told.
When we moved to the new city we had a few more incidents. Seemingly minor things in the grand scheme of life. But at the time they were big. Arguments that felt like we were over.
But we are here, in another new city. Still together. That is basically my story to now. I’m looking forward to writing about the present and how I’m dealing on a day to day basis. Sometimes, its too hard to look at the past. And what a sad life to keep focusing on the past.