Carrying on

Published February 22, 2012 by recover3

I couldn’t stop crying for hours. The shock and hurt of it all was too much to take. I took down every single photo of him and ripped them up. I changed my surname on facebook and deleted him from everywhere.  I sent a message to my close friends telling them it was over and I was going to file for divorce.I told some of my family and the family friend who’d offered me the job. Big mistake – you can’t ever untell them and they will forever carry it around. I called my best friend in England. She just listened. It was already 2:30am. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. I systematically worked at removing him from my life. As the sun began to rise, I was exhausted.

He sent me a text the next day. I actually can’t remember exactly what it said. Something to the effect of being sorry and that he still wanted to try again but got the picture that I didn’t. I considered replying. But then I questioned how real his text was. I had just been on his facebook profile and seen that he had already invited HER and the other girl back. No time wasted there. So I just ignored him. I went to visit my friend in hospital. I needed her but it didn’t feel great crying on her shoulder in a hospital when she was about to give birth. She was endlessly supportive.

The next day I woke up with a strange calmness around me. I’m still not sure where it came from. But I decided to email him. I told him how hurt and humiliated I was. I told him that the past can’t be changed but that I was choosing to forgive him. I told him that one day I hoped he would add me back on facebook but I understood if it was going to take a while. I wrote quite a long, heartfelt email. I couldn’t help adding a comment about him adding them back already. As soon as he got it, he called. At the same time he added me back and deleted them. He told me he was coming over. I don’t know why but I couldn’t say no. My best friend told me the email was a mistake – that there was no way I could forgive him so quickly.

I’d started another blog while he was gone. Basically it was me writing to him and having the conversations that he refused to have out loud with me. It was extremely raw and emotional. When he came over he begged for my forgiveness – and he admitted that he didn’t deserve it. He apologised endlessly and said how wrong and stupid he had been. He showed genuine remorse and regret for what he’d done. I made him read my blog. He cried afterwards. We talked for hours. About everything. He told me he was willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. I questioned him on this – like how was he going to deal with the fact that I didn’t trust him at all and all the restrictions that would place on him. He said it would be hard but he’d deal with it because I was worth it. We discussed the possibility of us making a go of it. I said I would think about it. This was Wednesday. Friday was my birthday. He asked if he could take me out to dinner the next night for my birthday and then spend the day with me on Friday. I agreed.

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