On my birthday I asked him to move back. I was tired of being alone now and if we were going to make this work it had to be under one roof and not two. Plus, I didn’t feel some of his friends were the best influence at this sensitive juncture. He didn’t understand my jealousy over one particular friend. To clarify – it is a male friend. And they shared an apartment while we were separated. I really like the guy – we got on well so it had nothing to do with that. But my husband didn’t get it. He didn’t get the fact that this particular friend was a representation of what I’d been going through. This friend basically replaced me. When someone phoned to invite my husband out instead of saying ‘let me just check with my wife’ he say ‘let me just check with my friend’. His friend came first with everything – he was always consulted, his advice was sought, his opinions. All the things that I used to do. I tried to explain to him one day but all I got was ‘get over it.’ I also felt that if this particular friend hadn’t been so much in the picture that my husband would have realised a lot sooner what he was losing with me. But instead he was looking at the fun his single friend was having and joining in. Of course this ended up leading to a lot of fights. Me being resentful of being left out and him trying to run away and also put his friend first even more. To this day, he doesn’t get where my jealousy comes from. I think it is going to forever be a sensitive issue in our relationship. I just want him to understand where I am coming from on it and put me first, when this friend is present. If he can just do that, then I know its ok and I can put the jealousy behind me. I need to be put ahead of him just once to ease my conscience. So I know my husband doesn’t regret his choice to come back.
He told me he’d do whatever it takes to make us work. Some days I think I missed the fine print in that statement.
Thursday evening he came round to my place to fetch me and then he took me out to dinner. We didn’t discuss any further details out of respect for my upcoming day. We had a lovely meal and chatted nicely. At the end of the evening he walked me home, kissed me good-bye and promised to see me the next morning. He phoned me just after midnight to wish me.
True to his word he showed up in the morning. He gave me lovely presents. One of the them was an album of his music – I had been asking him to do one for me for ages. He’d also made a few other small, sweet things. Things I could see he’d put love into. He then helped me make cupcakes. When we were finished we went to the local swimming pool and enjoyed a pleasant swim. He asked me to marry him again while we were in the pool. Later we returned to my place for a bit where he received a strange phone call. It had me very suspicious but he begged me to just go with it and to meet him at 5pm. I was having second thoughts but I agreed. When I arrived at the appointed meeting spot – there he was sitting with a guitar. He’d bought me a guitar for my birthday! This explained the secret phone call of earlier and my spirits lifted. He made my day amazing. When I got to work friends gave me presents and cake. Some of us went for dinner after work. And the crowning glory – my good friend gave birth to her son at around 10:30pm that evening. I finally had my birthday baby!
Things were finally starting to look up for me.
I couldn’t stop crying for hours. The shock and hurt of it all was too much to take. I took down every single photo of him and ripped them up. I changed my surname on facebook and deleted him from everywhere. I sent a message to my close friends telling them it was over and I was going to file for divorce.I told some of my family and the family friend who’d offered me the job. Big mistake – you can’t ever untell them and they will forever carry it around. I called my best friend in England. She just listened. It was already 2:30am. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. I systematically worked at removing him from my life. As the sun began to rise, I was exhausted.
He sent me a text the next day. I actually can’t remember exactly what it said. Something to the effect of being sorry and that he still wanted to try again but got the picture that I didn’t. I considered replying. But then I questioned how real his text was. I had just been on his facebook profile and seen that he had already invited HER and the other girl back. No time wasted there. So I just ignored him. I went to visit my friend in hospital. I needed her but it didn’t feel great crying on her shoulder in a hospital when she was about to give birth. She was endlessly supportive.
The next day I woke up with a strange calmness around me. I’m still not sure where it came from. But I decided to email him. I told him how hurt and humiliated I was. I told him that the past can’t be changed but that I was choosing to forgive him. I told him that one day I hoped he would add me back on facebook but I understood if it was going to take a while. I wrote quite a long, heartfelt email. I couldn’t help adding a comment about him adding them back already. As soon as he got it, he called. At the same time he added me back and deleted them. He told me he was coming over. I don’t know why but I couldn’t say no. My best friend told me the email was a mistake – that there was no way I could forgive him so quickly.
I’d started another blog while he was gone. Basically it was me writing to him and having the conversations that he refused to have out loud with me. It was extremely raw and emotional. When he came over he begged for my forgiveness – and he admitted that he didn’t deserve it. He apologised endlessly and said how wrong and stupid he had been. He showed genuine remorse and regret for what he’d done. I made him read my blog. He cried afterwards. We talked for hours. About everything. He told me he was willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. I questioned him on this – like how was he going to deal with the fact that I didn’t trust him at all and all the restrictions that would place on him. He said it would be hard but he’d deal with it because I was worth it. We discussed the possibility of us making a go of it. I said I would think about it. This was Wednesday. Friday was my birthday. He asked if he could take me out to dinner the next night for my birthday and then spend the day with me on Friday. I agreed.
About a week or so after my bombshell of making plans to return home, he started talking about us getting back together. What?! After all my hoping and praying, after I’d decided I’d done all I could, he changed his mind. It made me think of all the advice I’d read about getting on with my own life and not closing them in. It was all true. Of course its difficult to follow – you think if you back off and live your own life that you will be forgotten. That your partner will think you’ve accepted the inevitable. But, in actual fact, you will be giving them the chance to miss you. The chance to realise exactly what they will be missing. And its all true. Its the hardest thing to do and of course its not foolproof. But if a reconciliation is going to happen – its worthwhile taking a step back.
We decided to give it a go – slowly. Not everyone in my life was too enthusiastic but at the time I just ignored them. We decided he would stay where he was living. Or should I say – he decided. He was honest about what he’d been up to while we’d been apart. He’d been making naked skype calls with a girl I previously mentioned. The one he’d met on facebook and been sending inappropriate messages to before we moved to China. He’d met another girl through another program, who lived in Hong Kong and he’s been making plans to have to her visit him and stay with him. He’d kissed a Chinese girl. He’d had a ‘fling’ with another girl over facebook. And of course he still had HER on facebook. I was really upset to hear all of these things. Here I was thinking we’d been staying faithful to each other and there he was just continuing his life, so sure that we’d never get back together.
It was almost over as soon as it had begun. He told me he was removing all these people from his life. Meanwhile he meant he was saying good bye to the relationship he’d previously had with them but still keep them as friends. I got upset and then he told me that if I couldn’t trust him then it wasn’t going to work and we may as well end it. I countered with how were we supposed to move forward if he was keeping them in his life. Eventually he agreed and deleted them.
Out birthdays are a week apart. His first and then mine. Some friends organised a surprise party for him. It was a pretty good night. We enjoyed ourselves and went home to my place. In fact this might have even been the night that he told me about what he’d been up to. I think I acted pretty maturely about it all. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’d been honest. He didn’t have to tell me that stuff – I would never have known. A few nights later (four days before my birthday) we went out for drinks with another friend. We ended up in a huge argument and him shouting at me that he couldn’t talk to me. I was lost – I had no idea what I was doing wrong. As we were walking home and he kept shouting, he told me that he’d done some terrible things and he just couldn’t tell me. I couldn’t understand and asked why couldn’t he tell me. He kept because he didn’t want to lose me. (This was pretty ironic, seeing as two days ago I had sat down and told him that I loved him. period. That I took him for who he was and that was the end of it.) I kept pushing, thinking that after everything else he’d told me, it couldn’t be that bad. He then looked at me and said ‘I slept with _____’ My heart just dropped. I can’t describe it any other way. My mind stopped working so I have no idea where the next words came from. I asked whether it was once or more than that. He looked at me and answered really arrogantly ‘a lot’. I looked at him and said well you’ve lost me now and I walked off crying. My heart was well and truly shattered. My world as I knew it, was destroyed.
As the weeks moved on we settled into a pattern – me hoping against hope and him living his life. I still believed we had chance and I just couldn’t let go.
A family friend, aware of my situation, contacted me with a job offer back home. It was a pretty good offer too. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. I discussed it with my friends and family. I never told him about it though. I didn’t know how to. I made a very long pro’s and con’s list. But he was still ultimately my deciding factor. How could I move to another country without knowing how we’d turn out. In the mean time I applied for the job. I still had time to change my mind and figured I’d at least get the process started.
Then I got another bombshell. He sat me down and told me his opinion hadn’t changed. That he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to be with me. He was still adamant that there was no future for us. I felt my fragile heart shatter all over again. I didn’t understand where this came from. I felt betrayed. Later that evening at work he told me he didn’t see why I was so upset – that he’d been honest the whole time (bullshit) and that he’d been clear. I told him I felt he was leading me on and that he knew it. At the time he denied it. Later he told me he did know but that it was easier that way because then we were friends. He couldn’t deal with me otherwise. He did spend a lot of time saying how important I was to him and how he couldn’t picture his life without me in it, but by this stage I couldn’t understand where he was coming from. And there it was – decision made. I moved forward with the job offer and started making plans for the final interview and my move home. I could finally make that decision because at that moment, with all he had said and done, I knew that I had done everything I could to try and fix us. I could hold my head up high because I hadn’t walked away until there was nothing to stay for. I made the final decision.
I eventually told him and he was shocked. I don’t think he ever pictured me actually moving on with my life to that extent. And it turns out this was exactly the push I had been looking for over the past few months. Up to now he’d been having the best of both worlds – me in his life and getting his wicked way with me and also being able to go out and do whatever he liked. Now suddenly he realised he couldn’t have it his way anymore. He went home with a lot on his mind and a lot of thinking to do.