The first shock

Published December 20, 2011 by recover3

I had a pretty heavy schedule at school so I was quite busy a lot of the time. One day I had a rare free lesson and was having some ‘me time’. I went on to check facebook and found a message had been sent from a stranger. When I opened it, it started with the usual ‘I know you don’t know me, but…’ All I could think was ‘what does this weirdo want? Can’t he see I’m married.’ But being naturally curious, I carried on reading. I can’t remember it word for word but basically the email went on to say that even though this guy didn’t know me he thought I should know what my husband has been up to. And that this guys girlfriend and my husband had been communicating for a while now in a fairly intimate way and had progressed to sending each other naked photo’s of each other. And he had included the photo my husband had sent. I was speechless. There I was, sitting in my classroom, looking at a picture of my husband standing in our kitchen, completely naked. And then I was horrified. I phoned him and asked him what the hell was going on. Of course he denied it all. He told me that she was an ex-girlfriend from his days in England and that they’d just been keeping in contact. He said if he’d taken that photo for me and that he must have sent it to her by mistake.

He stuck to that story for a couple of years. And I never believed it. He did eventually admit he lied about it.

After this incident took place I was pretty wary of him. After long talks with my best friend, she said I should have all his passwords so I can see if he goes back to that rubbish. I told him this and he gladly handed them over – email, facebook, myspace, the works. No problem, no arguments. You’d think that by this he’d have nothing to hide. But….

I told myself I wouldn’t go on and check. That the very fact that he’d willingly given all his passwords over to me, meant I didn’t need to check. But something just didn’t sit right with me. So I did go and check. And there in his facebook messages was ANOTHER girl he was communicating with. All I read was ‘I miss you too babe’ and I saw red. I didn’t need to read more than that. I was beside myself by the time he got home. He told me she was just a friend he’d met through facebook and they were just talking. He claimed there was nothing inappropriate going on. He didn’t see what the problem with calling her babe or anything was. Of course if I’d read more I probably would have found more to horrify me. (More to follow on this particular girl). We fought a lot about this. We’d only been married five or six months at this point and I didn’t know what to do. I was devastated he’d done this to me but I also didn’t want to just give up on my marriage.

He suggested counselling. So I agreed. It helped a bit . Little did I know that at the time he was still continuing with his affair. But more on that later.

It makes me sad to recount these things. I don’t like to think about all of it. But I know I have to purge myself of it all in order to recover. I’ve been on the other side of the fence. I had a fling with a guy for almost two years. He wasn’t married but he had a girlfriend.  And I didn’t concern myself with her. They fought a lot and I heard stories from other people about her, so it was easy to make excuses to myself for the way I was behaving. Even after I met her, and actually liked her, I was still able to separate her from what I was doing. Speaking from experience I can say its easy to do that. But if ‘the other woman’ truly had any idea of the actual devastation she is causing or is going to cause, she wouldn’t do it. You can make all the excuses in the world to yourself to make yourself feel better but its not good enough. If you understood the pain you were inflicting, only a completely heartless person would continue.

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