A conversation I want to have but probably never will

Published February 14, 2015 by recover3

I keep building up all these things I want to say to my husband but I don’t know when we’re ever going to talk about them or if they’ll ever make a difference. Some of these things I’ve said before but although he’s agreed, its never become a long term thing.
I’m embarrassed to tell people all that I’ve put up with and what we’ve been through. I used to think I was strong but I know I’d be telling my friend to get out of this relationship so obviously I’m just weak because I’m still here….
So here it goes.

I don’t want my children to ever treat anyone the way you treat me. I also don’t ever want them to be treated the way you treat me. I don’t want them to grow up thinking what our (current) relationship is like is what is considered normal. I also don’t want them to ever develop a low opinion of me because of all the shit I’ve put up with. Right now, these are the only two things that are going to happen.
You had an affair, you had inappropriate Internet conversations with other women, you sent and received naked pictures with an ex, you got emotionally involved with another woman, you flirt with other women. And all this I’ve forgiven. Yes, I HAVE forgiven it. But forgiving you doesn’t mean you now have a free pass and all is forgotten and never causes any problems. You need to do the work to earn my trust back, and no, you haven’t done what is required. You refuse to put any boundaries in place to protect yourself from anything happening again. You deliberately keep things to yourself instead of just being open in the first place. And then you make me the bad guy when I question things so I can get all the facts. Its a lot easier to build trust if I know you are giving me all the information in the first place. I may not like everything you do (like going alone to the movies with your so-called Chinese teacher) but at least I would know I have nothing to worry about because you were upfront about it. Telling me ‘you’re meeting a friend for drinks’ doesn’t work. What friend? Why can’t you just be honest? And don’t say its because you know I’ll get upset. I have a right to get upset – you lie to me or tell me half truths ALL THE TIME. I’m trying to keep our marriage together but you just keep knocking holes in it.
I don’t ever want you to tell me I’m selfish or self-absorbed again. I am not perfect but these are two characteristics that are just blatantly untrue about me. I have given up so much and just about everything I do is for someone else. Don’t tell me I feel this way because it ‘seems’ like I’m doing everything for A. I AM doing everything for her. Its not an illusion, its a fact. And I’m sorry to burst your bubble but you really don’t do that much for me or for us. You come by once, maybe twice a week. You hang out with her and entertain her somewhat. Occasionally you take her out and give me some free time, but this is rare. Yes, you’ve gone to pick up or buy a few things for me, but not a whole lot. You’ve let me down as many times if not more times. I’ve had to cancel plans, arrived late or had to leave early because of you letting me down.
Don’t tell me you don’t drink or do drugs any more. The only person that you are conning is yourself. Smoking weed and taking crystal meth (even if it was just once) is doing drugs. Missing the high risk consultant appointment because you were too hungover to get up is drinking. Meeting ‘a friend’ for drinks is drinking. Going out and consuming alcohol is drinking. Contrary to what you keep saying you do go out a lot and you are drinking a fair amount. You’ve drunk more in the past three months than you have in the past two years. At least be honest about it.
In one conversation you told me I haven’t changed at all and that I’ve completely changed. Make up your mind, which is it? I’ll make it easy and answer for you. Yes, I have changed. I’ve changed in two ways. One is not so good. I’m angrier and unhappier than when we first met. And this change is a direct result of the way in which you have treated me and the things you have done to me. I always avoid answering this when you ask me but the answer is yes, it is your fault. You treat me like a piece of trash, like I’m disposable and unimportant. I guess I am to you. The other way I have changed is I have grown up. I have accepted the responsibilities of being a parent and an adult. I’ve accepted that life is different now and that certain things just don’t happen any more. And I’m ok with that! I love being a mom. I’d rather wake up early and play with my daughter than stay out drinking til all hours of the morning. I don’t feel like making that choice means I’m not living life or missing out on anything.
You’ve said I don’t inspire you. What does that mean? What did I used to do to inspire you or have I never inspired you? Why don’t you tell me what you’re looking for, give me some guidance. You want to be able to do what you want, when you want with the girl who wants to do it with you…. Lets be honest, I don’t want to go out drinking. I don’t want to do drugs. I want to do family things and I want you to do them with me. Yes, I want to spend time with you, find a joint hobby to explore together, but you’re really definite about what you will and won’t do.
Stop twisting things in your mind to suit yourself. Telling me I could have a great body but I’m too f***ing lazy to do anything about it? I accept that I’m not the most enthusiastic person when it comes to exercise but saying I’m lazy is not fair. Why don’t you go back and thing about it all again as it really was. Like when I started walking every morning with A to try lose some weight. What did you say? ‘You’ll never lose weight just by walking’. No encouragement or anything for at least trying. And I did lose weight. Or how about when I started getting up at 5am to exercise? A decided to start waking up then. But you never offered to take her so I could carry on exercising. No, I had deal with her instead. Or when I tried to find a time to go to gym but it meant you’d have to go later. You got angry, telling me you had a schedule to follow and it was unreasonable of me to expect you to change it. When exactly did you expect me to do this exercise? Its not like I didn’t try.
During this time apart you’ve said you want me to find myself. To find out what I want in life, what interests me and all that jazz. But I have to ask the question again, when exactly did you expect me to do this? The few times I’ve made plans to do something I’ve either had to cancel or leave early because you didn’t come to babysit. I work all day and the ayi leaves when I get home from work. I need to cook dinner, spend time with A, get her bathed and put her to bed. I’m pregnant too, in case you somehow forgot. So by the time that’s all finished. I’m exhausted. On the weekend I’m all alone with A. No help. She doesn’t deserve to be ignored or sat in front of the TV so I can find myself. So with all that, I have no idea how or when I’m going to find myself. And in a couple of months I’ll have a newborn to deal with too. I guess what I’m saying is, as things stand, if you’re waiting for me to find myself, change appropriately so I can inspire you before you want to continue being married to me, you may as well give up now.

I guess that’s all of it for now.

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I miss him

Published February 9, 2015 by recover3

secret-forbidden-love-quotes

Its hard for me to admit that I miss him. I miss the company, the companionship, the support, the conversation. I miss being able to easily share the arbitrary triumphs of the day because when I text him its not the same. Somehow it seems lame and often, I don’t get a reply for ages and by then I feel silly. I miss the safeness I felt in having him in my life.

My marriage was far from perfect. We had so many issues. But it doesn’t mean there are no good memories. I know that he can be a good man. I know he is capable of so much. I want my family back together. I don’t want to admit I was wrong and that I made a mistake. I don’t want to say its over. I keep writing this but I don’t want to share my kids or watch him find a new love. I want to be enough. I’m just not so sure I ever will be. I feel like he is forever going to search for something else.
There is a part of me that just wants to call it quits and walk away. But then I really think about what that is going to look like and it terrifies me. Not least of all because we live in a foreign country. One in which I don’t want to stay in forever. On the same note I also try to picture what its going to look like if he moves back in. I can’t see how that is going to work either.
I’m scared of what is going to happen either way. But I have to accept that this limbo can’t go on forever. I might be able to say for now I’m focusing on my daughter and on the new baby. And then what? I know I don’t want to carry on life living apart from my husband while he lives a life completely separate from us. One in which I don’t even know what he is doing. One part says of course he is being faithful and true. The other just tells me I’m being naive. I thought that last time we separated, meanwhile he was just saying what I wanted to hear to keep the peace. All the while, carrying on with others. I want to believe he’s changed but I have nothing but his empty words to back that up.

Should I just let go of any expectations?

Published February 7, 2015 by recover3

I had to meet with a high risk consultant earlier this week. Although it sounds scary it was great for me. I got many questions answered and things like that. It also means I’m being taken care of, and more importantly, my baby boy is being taken care. He’s due in two short months and I’ve been trying to do all that I can to prepare for any eventuality. I don’t want to be blind sided like I was when my daughter was born.
Aside from a couple of early appointments, I’ve been going to all my doctors visits on my own. Yes, deep down I would like to share the experience but it honestly didn’t bother me that I was alone. My husband is never going to embrace the scans and all that in the way I would want him to so its no loss me being on my own.
But the visit to the high risk consultant was different. I desperately wanted him to be there. The appointment was a big deal, it was filled with important information. Of course I could easily share the information but it would’ve been nice to get the information together. When I told him I had this appointment he said he’d let me know in the morning but he’d probably be there. I didn’t want to tell him outright that I wanted him to be there – I just asked him if he wanted to be there. Yes, maybe it is my fault for not telling I wanted him there. But if I had done that, my disappointment would have been even greater. He went out drinking the night before and got really drunk. This from the guy who had just told me a few days before that he doesn’t drink anymore….
He let me down and it made me really sad. I couldn’t seem to just let it go and brush it off. I thought if I didn’t admit out loud how much I wanted him to be there meant I didn’t have any expectations. But obviously I am always going to have some.

The start of some soul searching

Published January 26, 2015 by recover3

When I started high school I had some serious self-confidence issues. I had a bad body image and I was pretty shy. But despite this I was happy, made friends and look back on high school fondly. The body image issues have never gone away but it didn’t stop me wanting to look good when we went out partying or anything like that. I had enough guys interested in me that I obviously wasn’t hideous. I was quietly confident in myself. I knew I didn’t need a man to complete my life and I never had an issue moving on from a failed relationship. Until I met my husband. I’ve questioned myself so many times about what happened to me. Is there something wrong with me that I keep holding on? That I put up with stuff that I know I shouldn’t? That I can’t seem to let go and move on?
I am a good person. I’m by no means perfect but I’m caring, loving, compassionate, unselfish, honest, loyal, dependable, reliable…
I’m trying to take this time to do some serious soul-searching. To discover the person I used to be and the person I want to be in future. I’m building on my list of things I want from my marriage:

Unconditional love: I want to be loved for WHO I am not what I look like, what I wear or what I’m interested in. I want to be accepted for all the good parts AND the bad parts. I don’t want to be told I need to dress in a certain way or wear make up all the time or have a long list of interests.

Respect: I want to be treated well. I want my opinions to matter. I want to be heard.

Honesty: Not nastiness. Not bluntness. Just real live honesty.

Openness: Linked to honesty. I want the full story, at once. Not bare facts with the important stuff hidden so I have to ask 20 questions and then end up sounding like an insecure nag.

Trust: honesty and openness leads to trust. I want it to come back. I want boundaries to be put in place so things like the past don’t happen again.

Interest in each other: I want to take the time to show an interest in the things that interest my husband I want him to do the same for me.

Loyalty: This doesn’t even need to be explained. I want it.

I want my love tank to be full. So I’m confident and happy. So I feel appreciated and wanted. I want to do the same for my husband. I want my husband to be my best friend. I want him to be the first person that I tell things too. I want to be excited about life again instead of just taking it one day at a time and hoping that I can get through it without another bomb being dropped on me.

I want to laugh everyday.

Lonely

Published January 19, 2015 by recover3

The hardest thing of being separated is the feeling of loneliness. Its been over two months now so I am mostly used to it. But some nights, like tonight, I really want some company. A chat or something would be nice.
I don’t want to admit these feelings to my husband. It makes me feel like a sad creature. I’m jealous of all the new friends and the life he has now. When all I have is work and listening to the stories of what my colleagues got up to over the weekend.

I wouldn’t give up having my daughter with me for a second. She is my world. I guess sometimes its just a little hard realising my limitations. The best advice I was given is instead of focusing on all the things you’re missing out on replace it with ‘I get to…’

I get to enjoy an excited greeting when I come home from work
I get to have all the kisses and loves I can handle
I get to hear all the new words
I get to see all the accomplishments as they happen
I get to watch her sleeping
I get to teach her new things
I get to be her rock, her constant.

That night…

Published January 18, 2015 by recover3

The night of our argument that set in motion the current state of affairs started out as a normal night. We were getting along fine and there wasn’t even any underlying tension. It all changed in an instant. So many things were said and done but my focus has always been on this part:
Him: ‘I don’t want to listen to what to have to say because you always talk shit’
Me: ‘do you really mean that’
Him: ‘YES’
Me: ‘well then I’m done’.

In that moment I really was done. But it doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted my marriage to end. I certainly didn’t intend for things to be over. What I was done with was being spoken to like that. With no respect, like I’m a piece of trash. I’ve thought really hard about why I said and in my heart I know I was looking for a reaction. But not just any reaction. I wanted shock him. I wanted him to stop and think ‘I don’t want to lose her’. I wanted him to fight FOR me not WITH me. I wanted him to care enough to stop what he was doing, focus on his behaviour and want, REALLY want, to stop it. But he didn’t. Instead he used it as an excuse to get out.

I don’t think he’s every truly fought for me or our relationship. Yes, last time he realised when I was making plans to go back home that he didn’t want to lose me, but that wasn’t really a fight for me. Then after he came clean about the affair he promised all sorts of things and told me he didn’t want to lose me but that was kind of short lived too. Within a month he was fighting against most of the things he’d agreed to. He never established boundaries, he never let go and opened up. He never gave in to complete openness and honesty.

I want to be fought for. I want to be worth it. I want to be enough.

A rare night off

Published January 12, 2015 by recover3

My husband is actually round visiting us. I thought it was going to be a whirlwind in and out trip because that is how its been the last few times sadly. But he stuck around and ended up having dinner with us. And then he bathed our daughter and is now busy putting her bed. It is giving me some very rare time off and I feel a little lost. On one hand I feel like I should be flying around cramming in all the things I never get the chance to do and on the other I just want to sit on the couch and veg out because I don’t really get to do that either. In the end I’m here – my posting time is usually pretty sparse so here it is.

I spoke to my friend yesterday. She is the one who was there for me and supported me when d-day happened in 2011. She is one of my few friends who knows exactly what I’ve been through and has the full story. Nowadays I’ve very selective on who I tell what. She asked me how everything is going between husband and I and although I hadn’t intended to share everything just came tumbling out. I told her I still love him. That I don’t want my marriage to fail. I also told her that right now he’s unreliable and seems to have just reverted back to the way he was – out drinking, spending money on unnecessary things and not following through with things. I told her that as desperately as I want us to work things out, things have to change. We can’t carry on the way they were. We weren’t being good to each other and that is never going to work in the long term. While I was talking to her he messaged me to say he loves me. Then he asked me if I could wait for him til June to move back. I wasn’t even sure how to answer that. I’m so scared of being alone with a 2 year old and a newborn. I don’t want either of my kids to suffer just because I’m alone.
I’m tired of the decisions I have to make. I’m tired of the stress that keeps creeping up. I want some freedom. A week off from worry.